10 qualities that awesome, perfect, flawless Godly women won't settle for anything less than in a REAL man,

1. He can lift me without grunting
This goes without saying, really. A real man's strength is measured in his ability to lift heavy objects. And since I'm perfect and skinny, if he can't lift me without a grunt, he must be weak--physically, emotionally, spiritually.

2. Must put God first in our relationship.
But, I still want him to call me  to talk about nothing every night before bed, answer my texts within 2 minutes, and sit by me while i pinterest. God comes first, but that's when i'm not around, right? just enough for me to say that's what makes him such a great leader.

3. Must be sensitive.
But i don't want to see him cry. Or express his feelings.

4. Must be hot.
God may look at the inward appearance, but I have to look at this face for the rest of my life.

5. Must be photogenic.
I need our pondid (candid-posed) photos to refect our perfect life together.

6. Must love kids.
And by love, i mean he must like them. and by like i mean he must be good with them. and by be good, i mean he has to have held a baby once and maybe talked to a little kid a couple times. then you know he's gonna be a wonderful father.

7. Must be a guy's guy.
I want him to love football, but i don't want him to watch it. I want him to have a lot of chummy college friends, but spend only a little time with them. Actually, i don't want him to hang out with his friends all that much. all they do is talk about sports. I want him to like the idea of guy stuff...but watch love actually with me.

8. Must be manly.
He needs to know how to fix everything, build machines out of natural elements and start fire with stones.

9. Must be spiritually disciplined.
I need him to hold his own with cliched christian prayer topics and current devotionals so our spiritual life is never questioned by our other christian friends.

10. Must love others.
But mostly just friends and family. I'd rather get some new throw pillows than help that homeless guy. god's wants to give us the desires of our heart, and i want those pillows. mostly, i guess i just want him to love me. and the pillows.

Rob Dyrdek

most people tell me that they could never have stories like mine. that my life is so fantastical filled with crazy, zany people and adventures. i'd like to remind them that we live in the same world...and that my stories mostly surround 4 staple elements: binge eating, boys, jobs(or joblessness) or embarrassment. the thing is, i tell the stories because i'm not embarrassed...and you shouldn't be either.

i love to tell these weird stories, but the truth is the best thing i ever did for myself was tell the story of who i am. not every knows it, nor will everyone...some people will just get bits and pieces. others, will get the version where my eyes well up and voice cracks a bit. as a life long  clown, telling a story that was anything but embarrassing was the most embarrassing thing i could do. no jokes or weird people to elaborate. just my little life and the lessons i've learned.

i think sometimes we get so wrapped up in creating an unbelievable life story, that we miss the things that make it just so. this has always been my problem. relentlessly wondering if things could be better, if something could make me happier, if i could make my life more exciting by doing it differently. trying desperately to create this cool story that people will think is unique or interesting. relentless wondering is ok for men who live alone in the woods, but not for anyone else.

over and over in my life the lesson has been the same. it is not so much what i am doing, but who i am when i am doing it. when i am content to be in the moment,content in who i am: that is when the little life moments come. that's when i can see the funny and strange and ridiculousness that is ever-present--if you don't believe me, turn to MTV2...ridiculousness is always on!

log chute me in the face

 i am writing this now because if i don't i am afraid the memory will fade.

this memory was the most frightening and most exhilarating moment of my entire life.

i rode the log chute at the mall of america. with adam basse.

i was really looking forward to the log chute. it's fun without being overly scary. the novelty paul bunyon and babe the blue ox figurines throughout the caves is always a fun sight. all around, a fabulous time.

the last time i was on a log chute, i was about 10 years old. this time, me and 3 other adults shoved our robust bodies into this tiny little fiberglass log. as someone who is afraid of boys and physical touch, my senses were on high  having to basically sit on poor adams lap. i told myself "you can do this" right before a gentle old woman operating the ride asked "they warned you, right?". boy, did they not.

i knew i should have jumped out when we started our ascent. i'm can't be certain, but i'm pretty sure me and adam  are legally married now in some middle eastern countries. every ounce of my body was jiggling violently as i tried with all my strength to keep my body weight off my log-partner. his laughter paired with my extreme embarrassment and weakness forced me to give up and i gave up in defeat as i released myself to body slam adam. my laughter almost muffled his grunts of agony as my weight slowly crushed his vital organs as we traveled upwards for what seemed to be hours.

sweet relief approached as we hit the drop...the releif didn't last long before the tidal wave hit. a 2 foot swell covered my entire body from head to toe. somehow, the water hit only me. could someone please explain how the other three passengers remained almost completely dry while i looked like i just took a tubby?

i didn't know if i should laugh or cry. my sweater vest instantly became heavier as did my body as it began to say goodbye to most of its fine motor ability. when it became obvious that there was another ascent above, my body chose laughter in stead of fear and i think adam peed his pants a little. our little faces were side by side as we silently laughed harder than i have in a long time.

i can't remember how much water got me at the end, but i do remember how  i left a  conspicuous puddle on the seat of the next ride and how my pants basically froze to my legs as we wandered around the parking lot looking for our car. total misery. total bliss. i hope this memory never goes away...but if it does, somewhere on the camp snoopy mainframe, there is a picture of 3 happy campers and one wet rat riding the log chute.