pee pad positivity

can a person survive on only coffee and expired pastries? the answer is two-fold: yes and barely.

i only have myself to blame for this lethargy, achy bonez and generalized BLAH...but i'm going to blame the old bagels anyways.

about midnight last night, 3 hours into my slumber, i awoke to vacuums  loud voices and just a sense of emergency. apparently our bathroom flooded due to still unknown reasons. we're lucky my roommates keep a dog pee pad in there. i'm guessing it absorbed a lot of the overflow.

in college my room flooded because someone left a baby sock in the reserve water recycling sink. it was frightening, but i sure did learn a lot about water softening treatments.

when i was about 10 my family went camping. apparently it rained all night and i woke up alone, and in a puddle in my tent. i emerged cold and confused--where was everyone? why did they let me keep sleeping in a puddle? "your mom and sisters went to a laudr-o-mat to get dry." said warm and toasty chuck, sippin a coffee by the fire. it was worse than being forgotten at play practice...but not worse than being forgotten at church. it's important to be positive.

weird and awkward and funny.

in 2 weeks my first and only love is getting married. that's a little weird to know. actually, it is more than weird. it is highly uncomfortable. it's also a little funny. mostly awkward.

 it's funny how much life goes on even when you don't want it to and even when you resist the changes. it's weird that i knew everything about him and now i don't know anything. it's awkward because for awhile, i thought i was going to marry him.  weird and awkward and funny.

weird and awkward and funny are three things i know about, so i can say that.

i hope on june 1st that tiny little weight that still sits on my heart magically disappears. but if it doesn't i'm prepared. if people use little ankle weights to become stronger, i'm pretty sure the same goes for your insides.

the past week, i have been sleeping horribly. do you hear me? horribly. tossing, turning restlessness.  last night i thought to myself "maybe you should try sleeping on more than the top right corner." so i moved my books and 10,000 pillows and discovered that it is surprisingly comfortable to sleep right in the middle of your bed in a starfish position.

i have used the starfish position before. it was in slow motion, backwards off of a BLOB while wearing a life vest three sizes too large. there were witnesses, but thankfully the camera stopped recording right before it happened. it was an out of body experience for me. while i was slowly rolling, i knew what i looked like. once i hit the water, i had to choose to come back to the surface and face my shame. it was weird, awkward and funny. mostly funny.

such a big imagination on such a little pup

i choreographed a dance to beyonce's "love on top". i'll teach it to you, but you can only dance it while siting in your car...and mostly while you sit at stop signs, lights or make unnecessary pauses in the middle of the road to hit the arrow button back to the start. above everything else, you must have that sasha fierce attitude. check, check, check, check, check! someone write me a check for my sexy performance.

i wrote that and i laughed, but i'm almost sure that it isn't funny. sometimes i'm concerned that what happens in my brain does not connect with the masses. sometimes i'm not funny.

a regular customer came through the drive through. the girl on the headseat wanted to say something funny, but didn't know what to say. she told the guy that and he said to think of something for when he got up there. they all voted me to say something cause "you're funny, sonia". i walked up to the window and said "i have a wooden leg". i hope that proves my point.

i'm a criminal.

in high school, i wasn't allowed to leave for lunch because i failed my math class. i spent hours on the computer crafting a fake release card. when i got caught, i was too scared to show it and i got a detention. well, i got twelve detentions, but cried my way down to one. that fake id sat in my backpack, haunting me for years. in college i wasn't allowed to have my car on campus. i was upset about this, so i remember my youth's folly and once again, crafted a forged packing permit. my car sat happily without being ticketed or towed my entire junior year. take that systems!

it's really funny that i did those things because i thought i hated breaking the rules. i wait for the pedistrian crossings, follow the speed limit and put my trash in the designated bins. on the other hand, i do make photo copies of books from the library so i don't have to buy them, steal people's wifi and eat expired food...jeykll and hyde, baby. jekyll and hyde.

one of my favorite episodes of wishbone was jekyll and hyde. if you don't know what wishbone is, you are dumb, stupid and i feel sorry for you. take my advice and look it up on youtube. when you find a tiny dog acting out scenes from literary masterpieces, you've found the right clips. these things make me laugh more than almost anything else. i mean, c'mon! a little dog acting out the story of cyrano de begerac? funnier than wooden legs! 

video home system

i love a modern day mystery! this weeks case involved urine and fecal matter found on my bed. i've been putting together lots of clues, and so far i THINK it might be from the dog who lives here. can't be certain. i still need to question my housemates and take some forensic samples while manically playing my violin.

i found a recording of me + 20 pounds singing show tunes on the washington family ranch stage. i have never been more amused/embarrassed of myself. even watching alone, i would look around to make sure some secret viewer wasn't hiding behind me, snickering at my rendition of edelweiss. my friend threatened to send it to a "talent agency" but i was more scared of her sending it to the biggest looser. thankfully, i snuck it into my expansive collection of mid 90's sci-fi movies and it flew under the radar...just like the movies.

i love movies. what is more, i like movies on VHS. i would rather watch vhs than some sort of fancy HD any day...no matter what the film is. HD always seems like a mexican soap opera. i love the soft glow, the tracking lines and putting the cassette in the car shaped "rewinder" too much to buy into these new technology scams. i also buy all my technology from thrift stores...so until they get a better selection, i'm stickin with what i know!

ole, au lait

i always laugh when i wear my "boyfriend" jeans. partially because they're horrifically unflattering, but mostly because it would be really funny if i had a boyfriend who was size 4short. funny and unfortunate.

today was beautiful. the sun was shining, birds were chirping, kids were playing in the streets. i sat on the side of the road and read a book about murder.

i have to take my barista bar test next week. sometimes i excel under pressure, but most times i faint. i've always been scared of milk, but i'll be terrified of steaming it next friday.

my fear of milk runs deep. i guess it started when i bit my mother while nursing. (sorry. it's one of the only stories i know from when i was a little baby.) in elementary school i had to stay in the lunch room until i finished my lukewarm milk. i cried and cried and cried until they finally released me from my misery. i ran into my older sister in the hallway, who saw my pain. she could relate. she doesn't like milk either. safe to say, clayton elementary made a BIG mistake. i transferred to FVCA the next year...they didn't have the hot lunch option. or milk.

thoughts of thom yorke

a friend sent me a message saying that my blogs get her through her work day. that's too bad. excessive amounts of coffee and expired pastries get me through mine.

i got to spend 4 days with my family in sunny california when my sister graduated law school. best part of the trip was the choreographed dance my sister and i preformed to 90's christian hits. we forgot about amy grant. dang it!

if i'm being honest, i'm a little self conscious that i don't have extended degrees like my sisters. that's why im still holdin' on to my homecoming queen title. nothin' says intelligence like winning a competition because you dressed up like an oompa loompa and preformed a song from fiddler on the roof.

i miss my dog. no excuses. no appologiez. he loves me all the time and is always happy to see me and like treatz and will do whatever i tell him. where do i find a boy like dat?


i really like the idea of a coozy, but i don't drink anything in a can. can i have one without the other? i'll ask jesus when i get to heaven.

today i thought about working out. but then i thought about puppies, salsa, yogurt covered pretzels and radiohead's hail to the thief. so i didn't.

how do we feel about men in trench coats? if your answer is equal parts haunting and handsome, we're on the same page. i also feel the same way about christian bale.

i like watching movies from the early 2000's because their phones are worse than mine. comparison is the thief of joy, but also the bringer of technological self esteem.