want to buy my mom's old underwear?

i never thought i would be an old spinster at the age of 25.

if you need me i'll be busy buttoning up my black victorian dress with eye-hook buttons all the way up the back. perhaps lacing my pointy witch shoes too? i've already mastered the homely bun.

i missed the fantasy football draft chaos. i hope i got my picks. reggie white and warren moon are great players.

i just became a packer fan. i don't know what i was waiting for...i was always slightly disturbed by the lack of attention important world news got on our local stations during packer season. many of you remember the day the horrible tsunami hit--those of us in wisconsin remember that as the day reggie white died. oh shit! there goes my defense pick!

i just swore on the internet. i hope my private higher institution job options don't find this and kick me out of their hiring pools. i hope my mom doesn't google me and feel disappointed.

i've always thought it would be funny to make my own girls gone wild video. not the joe francis R rated drunk college girl version, but just lots of girls being wild. like messy hair, running around screaming and eating giant legs of meat wild. i think it might be my million dollar idea.

im always trying to think of million dollar ideas. i used to write scripts for america's funniest home video entries. that failed because we didn't have a camcorder. or a tv. then i thought i would create decorative pieces called "underwear angels" using my mothers old mom underwear. they were pretty, but the market for used underwear decorations wasn't as big as i imagined. when my college radio show didn't get picked up for syndication i fell back onto the rich older man option. i'm too shy for that, so for now i guess i will hope for some sort of lawsuit settlement possibility.

only we will know

tonight i was driving myself home and singing (sans music) at the top of my lungs to a song from funny girl. i decided at the finale that it's time i put myself back on the market. and by" put myself back on the market" i mean never sing a barbara streisand song ever again.

the other day we had a chipmunk sneak into our house. we lost track of it until i spotted it on the inside of our open window. naturally i found a big cardboard box and told my dad to slowly shut the window, trapping it in the box. chas had other plans and pushed me aside. as he lowered the window the lil dude freaked out and tried to get to freedom. i didn't think chas was still so sharp with his motor skills, but our little friend was accidentally beheaded. i saw it all and let me tell you something. that was the first and last execution i ever want to see. chas was pretty down about it. "i didn't mean to kill him. he was an adolescent". he never laughed. i've worked my way to a chuckle here and there, but it will forever haunt me. i will never open that window again.

you know how i always joke about a rich older man saving me from all my problems? well, the opportunity presented itself last week and i cracked under pressure. cracked doesn't even describe it. i was sweaty, awkward, uncomfortable and full of self doubt. sure, it sounds like me at the Y, but this was in regular clothes. i've learned my lesson though. if anyone offers to buy me things or pay of my student loan ever again i will quit my job and tell my family sorry. so many regrets. so many loans. jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk, but not really at all.

i had a phone interview today. wahoo. i was sweaty, awkward, uncomfortable and full of self doubt. i'll let you know if i get the job!

im sitting in my underwear wondering who the next person will be to sit on this couch. they will have no idea 1/2 my butt touched it. but you will. and so will i.

red alert

i have some great stories for you. you will not want to miss them.

i shall title them "monsieur la guilliotine" and "the week a man from germany loved me".

stay tuned.

top recommendations for you

and so we meet again, netflix.

i really don't know what i would do without you sometimes. when im too lazy to read, write, or eat, i turn to you and squint very hard to watch your abundance upon my itouch screen.

8 bucks for unlimited streaming is so worth it. some recommendations? strictly ballroom. wet hot american summer. masterpiece:sherlock (PBS ya'll) the portland ballet's nutcracker (but only if you want to have nightmares forever about the godfather clockmaker).

i can tell when my sister uses my account because my "top recommendations for sonia" switches from "mind bending indie" to "love stories with a strong female lead". not that i dont enjoy made for TV movies staring joshua jackson...but i swear it wasn't me.

one time i had too many adult beverages and called tom s. and gave him my netflix password. i think. i don't know if he's used it, but i hope he has. for 8 bucks a month, i can spare to give a little bit of love away.

maybe tom has a thing for joshua j? i'll let you know next time i call him after 3 years of not seeing him to tell him to watch a movie on my netflix.

skuttlebutt

i just finished a super secret wine and cheese party. the guest list was short, only one attendee...but she was VIP, for sure.

in this strange time of life i've been trying to fill my solitude with things i highly enjoy. things i forget to do when the worlds agenda takes priority. i finally bought a new record player to listen to all my records that have been waiting patiently for a spin for the past 3 years. buying bottles of wine for pure pleasure, rather than a party or gift. getting fancy cheeses and olives because i feel like it. buying hardcover books. reading a lot. basically, yes, i am a middle aged woman who enjoys listening to NPR and watching the create channel. no wonder the men who are interested happen to be in that category as well. im not complaining. i like older men. they're together for the most part, appreciate the things i do, plus they don't think i'm a complete weirdo. the only boy i've ever met who wasn't 40 but still had the same qualities is adam kraus. he doesn't count though. he's like a sister to me.

im happy to report my toe numbness has subsided. chas cured me with a father-daughter foot rub. unfortunately a vein issue has returned. i guess i also have a thing for middle aged ailments too.

im ready for an adventure. i hope its not one that requires me to move across the country twice in 6 months, but i guess i'll take that if it presents itself. i love change and movement. i love new people and new places. i love music and food and vhs tapes and boys who shower sparingly. i love spicy food and funny books. i love making lists of things i like because its much better for me than thinking about all the things i hate. except for shots. i hate shots. so so much.

i like reading things i forgot i wrote...like this:

nothing makes a woman feel sexier than waking up to a pimple-like rash covering her face. on second thought, nothing makes a woman feel sexier than slathering cortizone cream all over her face due to a pimple-like rash. man, i feel so sexy today. i take everything back. the sexiest i have ever felt is when my 11th grade gym teacher told me i had more testosterone than the average woman. good one, gym teacher. good one. sexy is not really a term i would associate myself with. not only because i am a testosterone filled, rash prone person, but because the word itself makes me uncomfortable. to be honest, i'm pretty sure i thought it was a bad word up until i was 17. i can bet 10 bucks i never said it, along with the word pregnant, unless it was part of a classroom reading.

i remember that rash day...s. word spread around work "oh, i heard someone had a rash!" "man! it's worse than she said". I guess i'd rather be the focus of work place scuttlebutt because of a rash rather than a inappropriate break room liaison. there is still time to change my mind. i've never had a workplace liaison.

i've only had one boyfriend. i've only kissed one boy. well, 3...but a half-assed game of 25 year old spin the bottle and kisses equal to foreign greetings don't really count. or do they? i'm saying no, but you're welcome to challenge me.

2 boys tried to kiss me in high school. who in their right mind would let a high school boy kiss them? they most likely had braces and little pieces of cheetos stuck up in there. no thank you. even when i was 16, i thought 16 year olds were dumb. or maybe i thought they were gross. hard to tell. my hygiene was better then. higher standards, no doubt.

i never liked no doubt. my go to girl was always alanis. fiona too, but you know alanis would never let a high school boy kiss her either. she did let uncle joey though. maybe i need to reconsider my go to girl.