gatekeeper.

perhaps i am late to the party, but i just found out that they are making an Independence Day II. whatttt? on a scale of 1 to a 13 year old boy in 1996, i am a starter jacket wearing, surge drinking, gameboy playing, michael jordan loving, young man! boy oh boy!

if there is one thing i love more than candy and corgis, it is jeff goldblum mid-90's. don't get me started. while i do love his antics in jurassic park, the neurosis of ID really strikes a chord in me.

i've often considered a career in mid-90's film review.the humor, the special effects, the great costuming. as a gift to you, i will now give my favorite 90's films.

1. home alone. obvz at the top of the list. the zany antics! the one liners! kevin!

2. the net. im sorry, im not sorry. the use of dial up during the climax is one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history. (and who doesn't remember the frantic need for dial up to hurry up so you can chat with your buddies!?)

3. breaking free. a lesser known classic in my book.  after a freak gymnastics injury, lydsay is sent to horse camp where rick, a troubled boy must confront his past while helping her towards her new sightless future. you can borrow my vhs.

4. camp nowhere. oh, the scandal. oh, the romance. oh, the chrisopher lloyd.

5. air force one. i still rewind the chubby lady parachuting out the back. "get off my plane!"

now, if you don't mind i'm gonna go get some dunkaroos and find some clear pepsi.

Actually, I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher.

oops. i accidentally ate 4 pieces of toast and 3 sweet and salty nut bars in the past hour. it was an accident!

kinda like when  teacher sam falls for josie geller. that was an accident. but it was supposed to happen. just like the excessive carbs.

i think the emotional eating was brought on by a very touching NOVA program about odd animal couples. it was either the old goat who befriended a blind horse or the gabon who was left out from all other other monkeys in monkeyland that did me in. dang it, lonley monkey. why you gotta be so cute?

what is it about a lonely monkey that makes me want bread? what is it about a 30 something in disguise as a high school student that makes a teacher go bananas? somethings, are just imponderable.

hooverville

my friends are trying to set me up. i am breaking down.

of course i often comment on how much i would like to be in love...but that doesn't mean i want to talk to a boy!!!!! boyz r scary and smell like mcdonalds wrappers.

to lure me towards love, my anonymous friend has done the following:
-send 2 far away pictures of potential suitor riding a giant tricycle.
-investigate his hobbies aka ju jitsu
-take screen shot of his dog (this really is the only info i need)
-"accidentally" find his salary listed online

besides the fact that i can't see his face in the far away tricycle pictures, i'd consider my friend a genuine herbert hoover. i feel like i know everything i need to know that he and i are a perfect match!

its funny to write about boys and being chubby and things like that because they're my insecurities, and somewhere in my weird brain, bringing them out into the open range and being the first one to make fun of the situations will prevent any sort of embarrassment. unfortunately, my brain must be controlled by some mean geek squad team member, as i can't seem to choose which thoughts and words stream in and out. i shouldn't make fun of myself so much, but somewhere up there there is a man named todd with a pet tarantula crossing the red wires with the green ones. there are lots of job postings for geek squad team members, so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one with an unwanted techie living upstairs.

because i am a sport, i've crafted a master plan. i'll meet this professor man, make fun of myself and then ask him which disney character i remind him of. when he says something i don't like, i'll use it as an excuse to excuse myself from possible rejection. or i will stuff him in my trunk and steal his dog. whatever happens, happens.

this whole thing has sounded like a terribly depressing and pathetic AIM away message circa 2001. my goal is to make things equal parts funny and vulnerable...but i've never been good at math.

herbert's friends are really neat (they come from lots of places)

my friend and i were standing in an elevator holding small pumpkins. "that's a nice set of pumpkins you got there!" was our greeting from a middle age construction worker. he made sure to clarify "you know i was talkin about those actual pumpkins, right?" you never know.

that was my fall segway. i just love fall. when i was small and video recorded my own children's show called "herberts friends" i wrote a song and preformed it with my sister called "i love fall". they lyrics were simple, but poignant

i love fall (i love fall) yes i do (yes i do) i love fall (i love fall) and i love you.

and ladies and gents, that's really how i feel.

i've had the luxury's of living in many fabulous spots. southern california, centeral oregon, the pacific northwest and beautiful B.C canada. but let me tell you something. there is nothing quite like the beauty of a crisp fall day, trees the colors of pumkins and lemons and gourds. you get to wear scarves and boots and not freeze or sweat to death. we justify daily lattes, because their seasonal...and we can still operate like normal human beings without fear of death by elements.

fall is the reason so many of us midwesterners accept the abuse of our otherwise miserable climate. when its -30 and our car doesn't start, we just remind ourselves "summer is almost here. summer is so nice". when it's summer and hotter than a banshee and your thighs stick together and you get tiny forehead pimples we say "i can't wait for winter!". what we really mean both those times is that we can't wait for fall. that middle child of the seasons. not too extreme. just right.

today i was driving home from a meeting and had to compose myself after seeing a father and daughter practicing their free throws. i don't know why, but my crazy levels, otherwise known as hormones are off the charts. my friend says it's because my body want to have a baby. i don't think she knows my body very well. my body wants a massage and another bowl of cookies and cream .

ps: moonface: do you remember any other songs?