i like old men.

i did something bad. real bad. big ass coffee after 7 pm. i know what happens when i do this, and yet i do it anyways.

maybe i like how my heart races. maybe i like how my eyes bulge wide like an anime character. maybe i like being hyper and reading 'the magician's nephew' to myself in horrible, yet amusing accents. maybe i just had a horrible headache and still think my liver is shot from many vicodins so i went the natural pain relieving route. or...maybe it's for all these reasons, and more.

i make a lot of foolish choices, but i think that's ok, as long as they don't harm anyone else. irrational decisions usually lead to some sort of fun adventure. sometimes, they lead to lack of money and no personal belongings. other times they lead to the middle of nowhere oregon, or canada. most every time they lead to new friends and experiences and stories to tell your grandchildren. tonight, they lead to funny voices and wide eyes and upper body dancing to carol king while hunched over in my bed.

my friend told me i had to have a crush on a human who is younger than a hundred, seeing as all my crushes are in the 65-70 age range. i don't know why i like these old men. they do say that you are attracted to a man like your father. maybe if my dad wasn't so old, i would have a bigger appreciation for people my own age. nah. they'd still be dumb to me.

why? i'll tell you why. boys smell bad and are stupid. if i were to reference prairie home companion, or charlie rose, jackson browne  or anything that happened between 1949-1989, they would still be thinking about fantasy football, video games or that girl who was wearing leggings so tight it looked like she was part seal.

i'm not saying it's their fault i don't like them. it's my fault. but it's their fault for making it mine. jk. i love boys... older boys. ok, men. old men. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??!?!?!

nothing.

things i learned spending easter by myself

i have always enjoyed doing things by myself. i like the time and space to think. i like the freedom to talk to myself. i like the ability to do whatever i want whenever and forever long i wish. i'm 18! i do what i want! on easter, that was my mindset. maybe because i didn't have any other choice, or maybe it was my choice. choices, choices, choices.

i spent all of the day alone, which isn't that rare. but, it was a first for me to go to church all by my lonesome. i walked in right on time and sat smack dab in the center of an empty row. that was weird.

it was a great service. the music was touching, the sermon exciting and everyone there seemed to be full of joy.

i walked out of church alone and didn't quite know what to do next. i awkwardly called all my family members. no answers, but no matter. i do what i want.

i walked downtown and got an iced tea and read some more of 'a moveable feast'. i watched a lot of people pass. lots of smiles, lots of laughs. i wanted to join them...or maybe i wanted them to join me. i was feeling awkward.

the weather was beautiful. i was wearing shorts and i'm pretty sure my forehead got tan. maybe the shorts are what made me feel awkward.  i bought a ginger beer and walked to a bench that looked over the water. the flowers and sun and water reflections were so pretty i cried. i sang for the beauty of the earth alone on that bench and wasn't even worried someone would hear. i said out loud "THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL, GOD!" and i thought about all the people i wished could see it with me. i was happy/sad.

and that's just it. my day was beautiful--filled with all good things, but even with all the beauty, and sun and hemmingway and ginger beer, it was lackluster. for as much as i love to do things by myself, there are moments and events and days that are meant to be shared with others.

i have spent a good couple years reinforcing to the world and to myself that i like independence. that i am happy sojourning from place to place without the need to be grounded. without the need of a home. without the need of a partner. i guess i am figuring out that i do need those things. i need a place to call home and grounding and partnership--whether it's romantic or not. i can do my life without them, but with them i could do life with joy and excitement to share.

not quite a nugget

i'm laying in my bed watching thumbelina on youtube. life is so good.

did you know barry mannilow lends his vocal talents to this screen gem? or is it rod stewart? well, i guess it doesn't matter because THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. if there is one thing i am certain about in this life, it is this fact. cereal. google it and get on my team.

speaking of legendary vocalists, my first concert was Steven Tyler's aerosmith. i did more than hear good music at this concert. i learned about sex via middle aged strangers sitting below me, and saw steven tyler awkwardly fly across the stage on a trapeze via the help of a not so behind the scenes techie. i'll let you guess which event was more traumatizing. (the second one!)

speaking of traumatizing, i had part 2 of 3 or 4 of a root canal today. for the first time in my life i did not fear loss of consciousness during injections. i found singing a line of a backyard bible school song over and over in my head really calmed my nerves/brought be back to a time before PTSD. i also think i stored up all the nervousness and that it came out in a manic fit of laughter when the slightly masculine dental assistant began describing the "not quite a nugget" of gold she found in her mail order gold panning kit. something about the word nugget mixed with what i imagined myself to look like with a giant dental dam and protective glasses on made for a embarrassing/but not as embarrassing as fainting from a shot moment in the dental chair.

i think the dentist gave me a discount. maybe it's because i made him laugh from my laughing. maybe he feels bad for my root canal that wont stop bleeding, even after a month. maybe it's because i was accidentally touching his thigh the whole time today and didn't realize until the end of the procedure. maybe the price was correct, but i always like to put my faith in humanity. i'll pay it forward. most likely to aflac when they bill me for the remaining charges.

just in case, i am looking to fall in love with someone who has excellent health and dental benefits in the next 5 months. please don't think im shallow. benefits aren't the only thing i am looking for!  they also have to be hot.