sob story of my life is a bowl of cherries.

as of recent, my car has been having extreme issues. violent shaking, rattling, etc. usually i can figure out a fix to get me through. i brought my car to a shop and they told me what was wrong and said it wasn't imminent...but that eventually something would have to happen. eventually? i'll take my chances. 

well today i discovered i have a leak in my transmission. i didn't figure that out until after i attempted to drive my car faster than 30mph. hazards flashing, white knuckles gripping my wheel,  i somehow made it to my destination. there i stood in the snow in my skirt and spilled transmission fluid all over my red hands because my makeshift paper funnel wasn't properly constructed. 

there i was, feeling bad for myself, cold and pouty and covered in pink fluid. i was getting pissed at the droves of businessmen just walking by. why aren't they helping me? they should help me!  if i had a bf i could just call him and he could come help me! if had money in the bank i could get a nicer car! poor me! this is unfair!

the trans fluid did the trick and i was able to bring my baby to a steady 50. that was until some semi blasted its brown snow my way. when i tried to wipe it away, my wipers stuck and suddenly i couldn't see anything. i "calmly" pulled to the side...which turned more into a slipped down the side as it was covered in ice. i said a few naughty words and started to tear up as i violently got out of my car on the busy highway to wipe my wipers. 

cars were passing like bullets. lexus, bmw, fancy things, left and right. not even bothering to move over to the center lane. just like i do whenever i see that unlucky driver. 

just as i got the situation under control, and unlikely hero, a rough looking man in a beat up junker had stopped to see if i needed help. 

to say the least, i was taken off guard. my natural prejudice normally tells me to steer clear of men like this. he was obviously poor. his car was barely running. but there he was, helping a stranger in need, despite his obvious need. i was just able to say give him my thanks before i broke down into a pathetic happy/sad sob on the side of the road. i was so embarrassed of my attitude and i was so thankful for a kind person. 

what a perfect reminder this day has been to me. i have been privileged my whole life. i've been safeguarded from harm and need. i have a deep feeling of entitlement to these simple things. to a running car. to heat in my house. to food in my stomach. i say i am thankful, but what i'm really saying is "i expect nothing less."so often, i can't give because "i don't have enough to give". i can't help because first i need to help my self. before i can be aware of others needs, i need more. 

well, it has been a season of "less" for me. of course, i have much more than many, but for me, it has been a running lesson on thanksgiving and awareness of excess. wondering how i will pay a bill, or pay for gas has become part of my life--it won't be forever, but it's lessons i hope will last a life time. i am seeing "poor" people in a new light. i am understanding something i could only look at with pity before. i'm still entitled and selfish, but i am learning. 

today i am thinking of all the people who don't have a community of support like me. people who don't have friends and family to call when they can't get their car to start. people who don't have a flexible job that will let them be late. today i am thankful for people who care. who are looking out for others, despite the fact their own situation isn't perfect. i'm thankful for that rusty buick that reminded me that i don't have to have it all together to be able to care for others...and to always carry a funnel.