College Ruled (or the post that is uncomfortably uncharacteristic for this blog))

i have a spiral notebook in which i keep stories and notes that i would never post on here. there are letters to friends that i'll never send, poems i would die from embarrassment if you read, and lists.

lists of things to do. lists of things i love. there is even a list of 100 reasons i like one of my friends.

there is one list that was easy to write. it is long and ugly and if i read it over i cry. a list i wrote in a fit of hurt and sadness and confusion.

we all have a list like this, but mostly it is written on our heart and not in a notebook. its a list of all the things wrong with us. all of things that make us not good enough.

not good enough for him to like me.
not good enough for that job.
not good enough to have the life i dreamed of.
not good enough to be the person i was made to be.
not. good. enough.

i've been having a lot of not good enough days. transferring my notebook list to my heart. allowing these  little words to engulf my heart and mind, bogging my spirit down with self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness.

i tried to remedy this by making a list of all the reasons i was good enough. forced humility didn't get me too far.

i'm funny.
i'm smart.
i'm moderatly attractive.
i'm nice.

naturally, i scribbled them out. it was so much easier to name all the "bad" things.

i sat in my car crying today. wishing i was someone else. wishing i had a different life. wishing i looked different. wishing i could be all the things i wasn't.

then i would be worthy of his affection.
then i would be worthy of that job.
then i would be worthy of a happy life.
then i would be worthy to be the person i was made to be. the person i should have been.
then i would be worthy of god's love.

as i sat there, crying, contemplating, confusing other drivers with my poofy eyes and elephant tears god  told me something i already knew. something i think have always known but tell myself not to believe.

i am already worthy of all those things. that my list of all the reasons i am good enough is complete with just one phrase--god adores me.

i was created worthy of these things because i was created by god who reveled in design and creativity as he crafted humanity to resemble him, in all of his perfection and splendor.

i know my theology will be disputed, but i believe with all my heart that god adores me as is. he has created me perfectly. that i am not some despicable creature who's sins make me so unlovable that only an infinite being, who using all his strength, could love me, despite my backsliding. nor do i think that he loves me because of my sinning ways and his heroic grace. i think he just loves me.

as with many disillusioned evangelicals,  there is a deep seed to dismiss the goodness in myself. to not acknowledge the beautiful parts of humanity. we are, of course, retched sinners who are lucky to be loved, right? or wrong?...i've come to believe in the idea that we are as a whole not inherently bad. i think we're inherently good--but that we have a broken relationship with god that needs repair (think beautiful painting that must must be carefully restored to it's original glory via careful handiwork and gentle processes. is that a good cheesy analogy?). whoops. don't tell my theology professor.

what am i saying? do i make sense? it doesn't matter. most of the time i don't even understand myself. but it doesn't matter what i think. what matters  mostly is how i feel.

what i am feeling is relief. realization. reconnection.

i'm awesome. more than just smart and funny and nice and moderately attractive. i am a whole lot of wonderful things that were knit up all together to create me. a perfect amalgamation of colorful characteristics and unique qualities and beauty that stems from divine love. i'm a masterpiece created by a more talented artist than van gough, monet or degas.

and so are you. in all your hopelessly flawed moments, you're beautiful. god delights in your life as you really live. as you laugh and cry and wonder what the hell is happening, he is adoring the fragility and strength of your humanity.  

someone very wise once told me that the highest form of worship is to enjoy living. in all of its hardships and heartaches...to celebrate ourselves and others and really love each other and who we are too. to see each other as worthy of our time, energy and attention, because we are worthy of the lamb/love/life/happiness/sadness/ in all of our moments. in our triumphs and mess ups and all those awkward times in between, . etc. etc. etc.  blah blah blah. good reminder to me as i struggle to find my bearings in a new place. as i am feeling alone and exposed and wondering where to plant my feet and with whom to celebrate and cry with.

it is going to take a lot of confidence to push "publish" on this weird little note i've written in my bed next to an old banana peel and the spiral notebook.  it's awkward and strange and written in 15 minutes with furious fingers and tears and laughter and some john mayer music. it probably didn't make you laugh, but i did because it is outrageously vunerable for me to share--thoughts and feelings my usual "total depravity" tells me to go without sharing...pretty much straight from my spiral notebook... but they're important to me, and maybe to you too.