there must be more than this provincial life

i like beards. so what? the thing is, liking beards in the midwest is like...liking pollution and hot weather in the PNW. it's just different here.

my friends love me despite my "weird lifestyle choices"and are trying to help me quench my thirst for facial hair.

"sonia! i just saw your dream man--he had a beard AND was driving a mini van."

"sonia! there is a boy i want you to meet. you don't have to be attracted to him, but he has a beard, and i know you like those."

"sonia! there is this boy i know...only thing is, he might not be able to grow a beard. are you ok with that?"

"sonia! i met a man downstairs. i think his son is with him. he has a beard...you should go talk to him."

it sounds like i have a problem, doesn't it? maybe it's my friends who have the problem. or maybe it's guys problem. i mean, it's their fault for being magically able to grow beautiful, luscious HAIR ON THEIR FACE LIKE A MYSTICAL WOODLAND CREATURE!!!!  i hate guys! i love beards!

let's go deeper.

when i really think about it, i think it must be because i am compared to a boy a lot. i think god tried to help me by giving me a bountiful bosom, so as not to confuse the male gender...but sometimes people are stupid. what i am trying to say is (mostly) only boys can grow beards and since i can't that must mean i am a girl and that must mean that i am not la fou from beauty and the beast, and even if i am not belle, i am most likely a pleasant townsperson just trying to get on with her day and buy a loaf of bread.

aren't disney movies great for life analogies? that one was a stretch...but you get the point. i will keep making jokes about beards until i get one. well, not on my own face. preferably on someone elses...but i could also make due with one in a decorative box...next to my precious moments figurines and tiny shot glasses from all my travels.

not nice lady

writing so many blogs in such a short amount of time must mean one thing. unemployment. my dad giving me a book about blogging means i should stop.

i looked for jobs all day. by jobs i mean husbands. by look i mean browsed match.com

im kidding. of course i am.

i wish i was kidding when i tell you minnesota lice lady is hiring. she tricked me by saying it was a "fun" and "unique" work environment. hey lady, i've had lice. nothing about stuffing your stuffed animals into garbage bags and your mother combing your hair with chemicals and a stainless steel comb is fun. a unique childhood memory, maybe...but not fun.

i've had a lot of jobs. of course i'd like to have stability, money and health insurance. but when it comes down to it, i would have rather had a lot of jobs than a lot of boyfriends.

the great thing about all my work experience is that i keep gaining skills to make me a great mother. i can clean potties in 30 seconds flat. vomit, poop and other bodily fluids don't stand a chance against me. i can make beautiful bows on presents and fold a fitted sheet like a pro. commanding the attention of 35 high schoolers and making them do what i say is as easy as 1 2 3. i know what herbal remedies can help with colds and know the right temperature to heat milk for a baby. i'm still trying to figure out what my stint as a collating machine operator and ice cream vendor have taught me, but i'm sure it will become more clear as i mature. moms do a lot, you know.

i really hope i get to be a mom. i can't wait to dress my kids up like albert einstein and have them "walk on my back"(give me a back rub).   if i dont have kids though, it'll be ok. i hear the mn lice lady is hiring.

humpback hypocondriac

i have spent way too much time in the past couple days working on my monkey and chewbacca impressions...it's time i focused on what really matters--working out, taking mirror selfies and putting together cute outfits from forever 21.

i'm living with one of my best friends. a dream i never thought would be reality. now it's come true, and i don't know what to do next. pursue my dreams of stardom? fearless highway driving? maybe just having an actual dream (via actually falling asleep instead of staying up all night thinking about working out, mirror selfies and putting together cute outfits from forever 21.)

it's so fun to dream with my friend(s). we dream about our fall goals. we dream about loving our future families, delicious foods, and a world where we don't feel the pressure to dream about certain things in a certain way. it's nice to feel understood--even if our dreams don't align. being understood is one of the best feelings in the whole world. it doesn't happen often--grab onto those people who do. actually grab them. when they come out of the bathroom and don't know you're behind the corner. (it's really fun!)

in other news, my obsession with the wind in the willows has ended. i am now addicted to all things the secret garden. i asked my sister if we could listen to it on our drive to MN. she thought i said the sound of music soundtrack. she was wrong. she was not happy. i have watched 2 versions of the classic film and can't wait to get my mitts on the others. i want to pretend i am the boy who thinks he has a "hump" and lay in my bed and moan and groan all night because i think i am dying. i guess i already do that, but the way he talks about his imaginary hump just strikes me way too silly. i'll start adding that into my hypocondriac  lineup.

joey sadstone

5 people have asked me write a blog. that is pretty much someone begging garth brooks to put out a new album. or grow his hair back. seems impossible, but it can be done.

today i had the realization that i am turning into uncle joey from full house. i wish i could say i was more the uncle jesse type, but let's be honest. my hair will never be that great. my Bullwinkle impression, on the other hand, is impeccable.

uncle joey was stupid. even when i was little i knew he was. who was that weirdo who lived in their basement? he was old! he should have his own house, wife and kids. who does he think he is, leeching off of the tanners!? oops. there i go again, drawing similarities.

i really am ok with living with married people. it totally gives me a glimpse into the unknown--a world unseen--atlantis, if you will. i mostly like what i see, and anything i don't i just tell myself there's nothing money can't fix! and if money can't fix it, just turn on maury and count your blessings.

gentlemanly jerk.

i accidentally squirted sugar free vanilla syrup down my shirt, and now i have my first bout of "chestne". it's as gross looking as it sounds.

my friend told me that if i didn't write a blog a few weeks ago, she would punish me by eating a bowl of ice cream. I waited this long because i am a good friend. she deserves a lot of ice cream.

my grandpa punched a nurse in the eye.

my dad was feeling sick. i texted him and asked how he was doing. he told me "the male nurse is taking care of me." i was scared that meant he went to the hospital. don't worry. he was talking about my dog.

there are 5 really old men that come into my coffee shop every day. the other day, one asked me "why aren't you married?" i told him the truth- "i don't know!" with his wisdom, i know now the true reason..."not rich enough." and all this time, i thought i was looking for a rich man. i gotta cut out some frozen yogurt and get my bank account bumpin!

i've been friends with a certain boy for a very long time. i thought enough time had passed in our friendship for him to know that i used to have a very big crush on him. "most girls do" was his response. what a gentleman.

minimizer

i had to buy a bra. i didn't want to...but i had to. can we discuss how a single piece of fabric and wire and fasteners can cost SIXTY DOLLARS??? yes we can. and this is why we go the bargain route.

the problem with the bargain route is that you usually buy them where there is no secret. and there are men operating the cash register.

sometimes, it's funny. like when it's a 16 year old boy who has probably never seen a bra. surprise! you just got your mitts on the mother load, kiddo.

sometimes, it's not funny. like today. when it is a nice attractive young man who just wants to check out your home good items, your discounted tennis shoes and maybe your michael kors bag. instead he gets the pleasure of a unmentionable sized nude colored, there is nothing sexy about it, giant bra.

as i stood in line i said "please god, please god let me get the girl worker" but the automated "register 3, please" voice was as if god spoke directly to me saying "you are being punished." i don't know what i was being punished for..but it must have been something really bad. or maybe the man was being punished. either way we both were uncomfortable as he asked if i wanted a bag. i said no, but then instantly regretted it, having to gently take my undergarment out of his sweaty little hands.

pee pad positivity

can a person survive on only coffee and expired pastries? the answer is two-fold: yes and barely.

i only have myself to blame for this lethargy, achy bonez and generalized BLAH...but i'm going to blame the old bagels anyways.

about midnight last night, 3 hours into my slumber, i awoke to vacuums  loud voices and just a sense of emergency. apparently our bathroom flooded due to still unknown reasons. we're lucky my roommates keep a dog pee pad in there. i'm guessing it absorbed a lot of the overflow.

in college my room flooded because someone left a baby sock in the reserve water recycling sink. it was frightening, but i sure did learn a lot about water softening treatments.

when i was about 10 my family went camping. apparently it rained all night and i woke up alone, and in a puddle in my tent. i emerged cold and confused--where was everyone? why did they let me keep sleeping in a puddle? "your mom and sisters went to a laudr-o-mat to get dry." said warm and toasty chuck, sippin a coffee by the fire. it was worse than being forgotten at play practice...but not worse than being forgotten at church. it's important to be positive.