christian the lion

live laugh love.

just kidding.

thanks for flipping the switch.

are you laughing at this?

runnin' yo hands through my fro, bouncin on 24zzz

I have 8 followers! Jesus had 12. Just sayin.

Happy Halloween...to those of you who don't have a diabetic sister. To those of you who do, enjoy those apples and the fall festival at church.

I'm on my break. I have just enough time to let my pits cool down...then its back to sweating.

I'm in a fight. It's with a coffee maker, but it's a fight none the less. He keeps overflowing all over the counters no matter what I do. I tried to sweet talk him--obvz didn't work. Then I tried violence, and since he is made of metal that didn't make a big difference. So, I've decided to play dirty and I set another maker right next to him. We'll see how he does when he has competition.

My mom finally granted me my wish of sending me portable hard-drive...aka "the black electronic device that you put pictures on"...not to be confused with the "grey electric box", what we in the real world call a DVD player. She forgot to send the cord though. How do you say thank you, while also saying you failed?

Time to put on my sexy, yet christian camp appropriate outfit. Sexy Dugar girl? (all you have to do is cut a little slit on your floor length jean skirt, show your ankles, or put on a modest wear swimsuit).

boo!

back to biznez.

sup suckers?

without sister-christer encouraging this creative outlet...i have neglected it. I know everyone has been upset, but I'm back now so, stop reading what christians like and come back to me!

whats new? Oh, just a new zip code, super expensive and unfortunate looking shoes along with a permanent smell of toilet disinfectant lingering in my hair and clothes. So...nothing much.

I live in Oregon right now. It's pretty much the same as Wisconsin except it has mountains, people recycle and...well those are the only 2 differences I've noticed so far. Maybe there will be more. (I hear there are vampires).

Late at night in my empty room, i swear I hear a man whispering in my ear. Usually, this would really excite me--unfortunately, it's of the creepy/evil variety. Who knows though, he could be a cute evil spirit.

I just checked my email. It says I have 2610 new emails. Combined with my 36 new facebook messages...it could take me a while to get back to you. Furthermore, my "vintage" computer only lets me type a couple letters per minute. So, what I'm trying to say is....you should hear a reply by early next week.

Tonight I'm going to a staff members house for dinner. Supposedly, we are having "chili eggs" or something along that tune. I feel like I'm about to ride the raging bull roller coaster--excited, terrified and certain the end will include some sort of vomiting.

pass me your 45 cents.

my dear, you look fabulous! You haven't aged a day!  (thats what you're saying to my blog).

Besides my usually horrible sleep schedule, I am up because I've been crying about missing my dog, dad and mom. Well, I don't miss them yet, but I know I'm going to soon. Even when Alfie rolls around in dead birds and smells worse than my dad's raddish burps...and when my mom dosn't know how to turn on the tv or eject the cd I will mist up in preperation for the future. I think its good to be prepared. I was a girl scout you know. On my honor, I will try, to serve God and my country by only selling carmel delights to my mom and then sneaking them up to my closet, stealing the key from my parents room, locking myself in, and eating the whole box in secrecy. Maybe it wasn't a secret cause my mom just bought me a book from the thrift store called "stop compulsive eating in 4o seconds". (it was only 45 cents...) 

The most terrifying thing happened to me about 40 seconds ago. A month flew down my shirt and was flapping its wings in the caves of my curves. Even my highschoolhood nickname of Mowgli could not save me from the fear of those feathery wings. At least it wasn't a doodle bug. 

this blog reminds me of my creative writing class in highschool with ms. houston. The theory states that while we were being delighted by Like Water for Chocolate, or Whale Rider, she would sneak down to her office and eat jellybeans. I also recall her telling me her favorite word was penis..."it's just so fun to say, isn't it?" I also recall never writing anything except "this class sucks. this lady is weird" in our journals we spent 20 minutes writing in at the beginning of each class. I never had to worry though, cause we could always pass at reading out loud if it was too personal. it was. 

I feel like i should be saying pass right now. its almost as if this blog is the sucky class, and I am that weird lady. maybe you're saying pass right now and navigating to much better places. google. fml. perez. bethelnet. sister-christer. 

im not taking offense at your passing, just don't tell me about it. I've got enough to cry about at night. 

witchy woman

i thought i had an ulcer. that was cool. and it made me feel old. and gross. and yucky. and tired. and not hungry. WHAT? 

But, based on my sudden desire to eat everything in our pantry and watch every Harry Potter movie, i think i am healed. 

I made goodie bags at the candyfactory today. dont tell anyone, but i stole a 4 oz. bag of caramel corn.  worth it.

someone asked me what my one true wish was today, i said 5 inches. everyone else said stuff like that poverty would cease and stuff like that. whoops. 

i witch i wuz a wizzard!

do you remember in 9th grade when we went to see the Crucible at NHS and that boy we were in babysitting class with at the Y was playing a girl in a nighty and a bonnet, and we almost peed our pants and caused a scene in the 10th row....but then we looked at the program and realized it actually was a girl and not babysitting boy? wait...was that just me?

my dog rolled around in a dead animal yesterday. he smelt almost as bad as our kitchen did when the little mouse climbed behind our stove and got electrocuted. that was bad. real bad. 

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the eggMcStation.

yeah. i know its not funny...but i guess i used to tell the joke all the time when i was little and would laugh hysterically. My mom said i had a joke book and the real answer was to get to the "Eggson station"....as in exxon....I was a good reader....maybe i just wanted to put my own twist on things.  SIGN ME UP FOR ARMATURE NIGHT. (at the comedy club ya little perv). 

HaPpY BiRtHdAy

my parents just left me a voicemail trying to make my dog "speak" to tell me he loved me. At first I was like "omg, they are so dumb" but then i remembered how I called to talk to him last week and made my dad tell him that I hated him because he wouldn't talk to me. THen i felt bad and called back to tell him i didnt hate him and i loved him and wanted to brush him. please don't tell anyone about this.

im packing all my clothes. if you interact with me at any level you know i pretty much circulate the same 3 outfits...one of which includes an over sized sweatshirt and "athletic bottoms". well,even im  confused to see my 7 medium trash bags stuffed with clothes sitting in my livingroom. I need an intervention from that guy who declutters stuff on Oprah. 

after my dentist HORROR i have been flossing like a maniac. Twice a day...sometimes three times a day. I decided to invest in healthy gums and bought the little flossers on the stick. I must say those things can reach back to places my stubby fingers didn't know existed. 

today a woman from my building took her kid out to play in our parking lot. I just about peed my pants watching the baby in the baby walker baby walk into my car. it was awesome. 

i saw the hangover last night. i told the lady at the front it would have been better with the 3-D glasses from UP. she agreed. 

today is the olson twins birthday!!!! YES. my 23 year countdown is finally done! they are so hot.especially the skinny one. 

LOL

good morning. baltimore. minneapolis. appleton. WORLD

since it's such a good morning, i thought i would sit on my porch. Just when i got comfortable, i heard the horrible sound that is Kent's screen door opening. 4 little paws and two 40 something feet stepped onto the porch, sun tanning oil in hand. I made it through the head and neck, but when he started rubbing his chest...i had to save my breakfast and run inside. 

its ok though, because ive been really worried about skin cancer and premature wrinkles lately. enough so that ive considered making a dermatologist appointment. however, after my dentist appointment, ive reconsidered any sort of health services. 

The rundown: a "hour at most" appointment turned into 2.5 hours in the chair. most of which were spent alone, with my mouth open, listening to show tunes and debating if leaving with half done dental work was safe. I have bedsores. i have sore mouth. i have solidified my theory that NOTHING GOOD EVER comes out of a dentist in a house. 

on a happier note, i still haven't found the source of the awful smell in my apartment. its not constant and it seems to radiate from next to the table and stove. i moved the stove, smelt in the back to see if perhaps a rodent got electrocuted (true malmquist story), opened all the "decorative" wine bottles, everything!--NO LUCK. if you come over and find it, you win a prize.

i was driving on 94 when I stopped at those little "one car on green" stop lights. it was red, so i stopped. when i did this mean little curly haired man started honking and waving his hands at me. Naturally I made eye contact through the mirror and mouthed " I'm following the law, jack ass". I want to make it a bumper sticker. I think it would be useful for me and Meghan O. How do you make bumper stickers? How do toasters work? Why is the sky blue? Why does the brother floor hate us? Well, when i do find out how to make one, I'll ask the men at the Shout House to put it on my car...

I am going to work at a candy factory this summer. Are you laughing out loud?