pass me your 45 cents.

my dear, you look fabulous! You haven't aged a day!  (thats what you're saying to my blog).

Besides my usually horrible sleep schedule, I am up because I've been crying about missing my dog, dad and mom. Well, I don't miss them yet, but I know I'm going to soon. Even when Alfie rolls around in dead birds and smells worse than my dad's raddish burps...and when my mom dosn't know how to turn on the tv or eject the cd I will mist up in preperation for the future. I think its good to be prepared. I was a girl scout you know. On my honor, I will try, to serve God and my country by only selling carmel delights to my mom and then sneaking them up to my closet, stealing the key from my parents room, locking myself in, and eating the whole box in secrecy. Maybe it wasn't a secret cause my mom just bought me a book from the thrift store called "stop compulsive eating in 4o seconds". (it was only 45 cents...) 

The most terrifying thing happened to me about 40 seconds ago. A month flew down my shirt and was flapping its wings in the caves of my curves. Even my highschoolhood nickname of Mowgli could not save me from the fear of those feathery wings. At least it wasn't a doodle bug. 

this blog reminds me of my creative writing class in highschool with ms. houston. The theory states that while we were being delighted by Like Water for Chocolate, or Whale Rider, she would sneak down to her office and eat jellybeans. I also recall her telling me her favorite word was penis..."it's just so fun to say, isn't it?" I also recall never writing anything except "this class sucks. this lady is weird" in our journals we spent 20 minutes writing in at the beginning of each class. I never had to worry though, cause we could always pass at reading out loud if it was too personal. it was. 

I feel like i should be saying pass right now. its almost as if this blog is the sucky class, and I am that weird lady. maybe you're saying pass right now and navigating to much better places. google. fml. perez. bethelnet. sister-christer. 

im not taking offense at your passing, just don't tell me about it. I've got enough to cry about at night. 

witchy woman

i thought i had an ulcer. that was cool. and it made me feel old. and gross. and yucky. and tired. and not hungry. WHAT? 

But, based on my sudden desire to eat everything in our pantry and watch every Harry Potter movie, i think i am healed. 

I made goodie bags at the candyfactory today. dont tell anyone, but i stole a 4 oz. bag of caramel corn.  worth it.

someone asked me what my one true wish was today, i said 5 inches. everyone else said stuff like that poverty would cease and stuff like that. whoops. 

i witch i wuz a wizzard!

do you remember in 9th grade when we went to see the Crucible at NHS and that boy we were in babysitting class with at the Y was playing a girl in a nighty and a bonnet, and we almost peed our pants and caused a scene in the 10th row....but then we looked at the program and realized it actually was a girl and not babysitting boy? wait...was that just me?

my dog rolled around in a dead animal yesterday. he smelt almost as bad as our kitchen did when the little mouse climbed behind our stove and got electrocuted. that was bad. real bad. 

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the eggMcStation.

yeah. i know its not funny...but i guess i used to tell the joke all the time when i was little and would laugh hysterically. My mom said i had a joke book and the real answer was to get to the "Eggson station"....as in exxon....I was a good reader....maybe i just wanted to put my own twist on things.  SIGN ME UP FOR ARMATURE NIGHT. (at the comedy club ya little perv). 

HaPpY BiRtHdAy

my parents just left me a voicemail trying to make my dog "speak" to tell me he loved me. At first I was like "omg, they are so dumb" but then i remembered how I called to talk to him last week and made my dad tell him that I hated him because he wouldn't talk to me. THen i felt bad and called back to tell him i didnt hate him and i loved him and wanted to brush him. please don't tell anyone about this.

im packing all my clothes. if you interact with me at any level you know i pretty much circulate the same 3 outfits...one of which includes an over sized sweatshirt and "athletic bottoms". well,even im  confused to see my 7 medium trash bags stuffed with clothes sitting in my livingroom. I need an intervention from that guy who declutters stuff on Oprah. 

after my dentist HORROR i have been flossing like a maniac. Twice a day...sometimes three times a day. I decided to invest in healthy gums and bought the little flossers on the stick. I must say those things can reach back to places my stubby fingers didn't know existed. 

today a woman from my building took her kid out to play in our parking lot. I just about peed my pants watching the baby in the baby walker baby walk into my car. it was awesome. 

i saw the hangover last night. i told the lady at the front it would have been better with the 3-D glasses from UP. she agreed. 

today is the olson twins birthday!!!! YES. my 23 year countdown is finally done! they are so hot.especially the skinny one. 

LOL

good morning. baltimore. minneapolis. appleton. WORLD

since it's such a good morning, i thought i would sit on my porch. Just when i got comfortable, i heard the horrible sound that is Kent's screen door opening. 4 little paws and two 40 something feet stepped onto the porch, sun tanning oil in hand. I made it through the head and neck, but when he started rubbing his chest...i had to save my breakfast and run inside. 

its ok though, because ive been really worried about skin cancer and premature wrinkles lately. enough so that ive considered making a dermatologist appointment. however, after my dentist appointment, ive reconsidered any sort of health services. 

The rundown: a "hour at most" appointment turned into 2.5 hours in the chair. most of which were spent alone, with my mouth open, listening to show tunes and debating if leaving with half done dental work was safe. I have bedsores. i have sore mouth. i have solidified my theory that NOTHING GOOD EVER comes out of a dentist in a house. 

on a happier note, i still haven't found the source of the awful smell in my apartment. its not constant and it seems to radiate from next to the table and stove. i moved the stove, smelt in the back to see if perhaps a rodent got electrocuted (true malmquist story), opened all the "decorative" wine bottles, everything!--NO LUCK. if you come over and find it, you win a prize.

i was driving on 94 when I stopped at those little "one car on green" stop lights. it was red, so i stopped. when i did this mean little curly haired man started honking and waving his hands at me. Naturally I made eye contact through the mirror and mouthed " I'm following the law, jack ass". I want to make it a bumper sticker. I think it would be useful for me and Meghan O. How do you make bumper stickers? How do toasters work? Why is the sky blue? Why does the brother floor hate us? Well, when i do find out how to make one, I'll ask the men at the Shout House to put it on my car...

I am going to work at a candy factory this summer. Are you laughing out loud? 

doglover199709

today I forced myself to do a couple things: wake up before noon, reschedule my dentist appointment, leave my apartment and start a work out routine. (im kidding about the last one… the nice hmong lady at the nail place thought I was “wunning a lot! Nice big stwong legs”. See? No need.)

 

I started out on my journey in hopes of curing my boredom. I walked across the street and through a few neighborhoods to get to the local walgreens. Man. Have you ever been inside of a wallgreens? Its like a mini-mall of America…except filled with old people. No wonder my mom got all my Christmas presents from there! I left satisfied with a jumbo cross-words book and memories of the irate old man upset that they only sold cassettes in 10-packs. I gotta agree with him though “who the heck needs ten cassette tapes”. He’s going to wal-mart.

 

I brought my crosswords down the streent to Minnehaha Coffee. I was hoping the alternative boy would be there, but unfortunately it was just the old guy grilling brats. I enjoyed my “lightrail sandwich”  and ice tea while flirting with the cute asian man. I was, of course, flirting in my brain because, well, I don’t know how to flirt outside of my imagination, and because, well, I was so surprised that I thought he was cute. Ok, and because he was with his lady-friend.

 

I didn’t want to walk home after that because I was wearing a dress and my thighs were starting to rub together. If you don’t know what that feels like, congratulations. Instead I thought I’d take a rest riding the ole’ rail. Airconditioned. Cultured. Smokefree. UV Protected, filled with chairs—everything a girl needs when her thighs start to rub together.

 

I went to the mall and got harassed into buying a 2 year magazine subscription. Believe me, you don’t want to know the details. I hope the Fairview clinic is thankful for their American photo mag.

 

Tomorrow im planning on seeing Caroline or Change. Those of you with a good memory may recall that this was on my summer bucket list. If I go, it will be the first part of the bucket I can cross off. Ive been wanting to see it ever since I watched the documentary on tony Kushner about 6 years ago. If you like southern homosexual jews who have an overeating issue this is the documentary for you!

 

I also spent 25 minutes on the customer service line for redbox. You know, after I got charged 112 bucks at blockbuster I thought redbox was the safe, ethical solution to renting—wrong again. If you stole the faith like potatoes dvd right after my sister “put it in the machine” come forward now and give me $25.12. I will forgive you and spare my sisters life. (ok. Seriousaly now. $25 for a foxfaith movie? PLEASE. I hope that part of the $25 is going to focus on the family or those prolife billboards. Or kirk cameron’s street ministry).

 

Have I mentioned I like the sunbelt granola bar commercial? I replay it in my head when I go to bed about 6 times. (for now its my devotional…lots of tie ins to scripture. Just like LOST).

 

I cried today thinking about how much I am going to miss my pseudo grandparents next year. I wont have any trader joe cheetos to eat, big computers to reinact doglover199709 dances on ,  or giant tvs to watch, or couches to lay on for 24 hours straight. Oh, and I’ll miss them too.

 

Im not going to tell you what im going to do tomorrow because I want to be a mystery. I hear boys like it when girls are mysterious. Crap. I already told you what im doing. I’ll be mysterious on Wednesday….after I get my fillings. 

quiz

  true or false:  i have had no true or life sustaining nutrients in my body for the past 5 days

  true or false:  the sunbelt granola bar commercial is funnier than the pedisure one, but not      luther kia's santas got a brand new ride

 true or false: i hurt my hamstring really bad throwing a bocce ball 

 true or false: my neighbor can see me when i change without closing my blinds

true or false: i have to move back to wisconsin but don't really know how thats going to happen with a saturn

true or false: i went to the 50% off sale at the Sal today and declared Martial Law in the ladies blouse section

answers:

true

true

true

true

true

true

thank you Dr. D

last night i was called "the hottest girl on the lightrail" by the ugliest man on the lightrail. i'm still taking it as a compliment.

maybe the hour I waited by the drunk infested sneaky-petes aided in my appearance. or, maybe it was the calm 911 call i made. (needless to say, last night was the thing movies were made of: romance, fighting, money issues, dance-offs, and danger). 

i got into a heated debate with the man sitting next to me on the train. he hated minnesota and was saying how much better it would be to live in "the pan handle". I'm pretty much sick of MN myself, but when he said those nasty things, a fire started burning in my soul and i couldn't help but speak up. thank you dr. d for rhetorical crit. I was able to calmly organize my thoughts and feelings into vocal bullet points: great family atmosphere, good collection of arts and culture, nature in an urban city and longfellow grills sweet potato fries. I won with that last one. 

im wearing what the youth are calling "skinny jeans". I have hessitated for a long time to buy into this trend, for obvious reasons (namely Chas' calves), but i recently read in a reputable women's mag that skinny jeans favor all body types. even mine? the hybrid of 3 popular types: busty, petite and boy shaped bottem? I guess i can also add "round middle" to that as well. wow. its like i'm the ultimate fighter! it's always confusing to me as to what i should wear because all of those "types" have different guidelines and different suggested styles. Boy shaped bottems should wear boy short swim trunks? no thanks. Busty top should wear underwire bra-kini while round middles should wear a tankini? huh? petites should wear high rise bottoms and bandeau tops? i am in a crisis. maybe i'll stick to the ole 4th grade staple: ugly one piece with an oversized mickey mouse tee. perfection. 

my friends in wisconsin are having a house warming party tonight. first of all, their apartment dosn't need to get any hotter. it should be a cooling party. second, why do people throw house warming parties anyways? You just moved in, got things organized and such. And your welcoming people bringing their dirty shoes in and leaving their glasses all over (probably going to leave rings on your fine wood pool table) not to mention the high traffic flow to the bathroom. i think a small guided tour through the 2 bedrooms and then a caravan to the bar with the mechanical bull is a smarter, cleaner way. but what do i know? im moving back to my parents!