things i learned spending easter by myself

i have always enjoyed doing things by myself. i like the time and space to think. i like the freedom to talk to myself. i like the ability to do whatever i want whenever and forever long i wish. i'm 18! i do what i want! on easter, that was my mindset. maybe because i didn't have any other choice, or maybe it was my choice. choices, choices, choices.

i spent all of the day alone, which isn't that rare. but, it was a first for me to go to church all by my lonesome. i walked in right on time and sat smack dab in the center of an empty row. that was weird.

it was a great service. the music was touching, the sermon exciting and everyone there seemed to be full of joy.

i walked out of church alone and didn't quite know what to do next. i awkwardly called all my family members. no answers, but no matter. i do what i want.

i walked downtown and got an iced tea and read some more of 'a moveable feast'. i watched a lot of people pass. lots of smiles, lots of laughs. i wanted to join them...or maybe i wanted them to join me. i was feeling awkward.

the weather was beautiful. i was wearing shorts and i'm pretty sure my forehead got tan. maybe the shorts are what made me feel awkward.  i bought a ginger beer and walked to a bench that looked over the water. the flowers and sun and water reflections were so pretty i cried. i sang for the beauty of the earth alone on that bench and wasn't even worried someone would hear. i said out loud "THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL, GOD!" and i thought about all the people i wished could see it with me. i was happy/sad.

and that's just it. my day was beautiful--filled with all good things, but even with all the beauty, and sun and hemmingway and ginger beer, it was lackluster. for as much as i love to do things by myself, there are moments and events and days that are meant to be shared with others.

i have spent a good couple years reinforcing to the world and to myself that i like independence. that i am happy sojourning from place to place without the need to be grounded. without the need of a home. without the need of a partner. i guess i am figuring out that i do need those things. i need a place to call home and grounding and partnership--whether it's romantic or not. i can do my life without them, but with them i could do life with joy and excitement to share.