HaPpY BiRtHdAy

my parents just left me a voicemail trying to make my dog "speak" to tell me he loved me. At first I was like "omg, they are so dumb" but then i remembered how I called to talk to him last week and made my dad tell him that I hated him because he wouldn't talk to me. THen i felt bad and called back to tell him i didnt hate him and i loved him and wanted to brush him. please don't tell anyone about this.

im packing all my clothes. if you interact with me at any level you know i pretty much circulate the same 3 outfits...one of which includes an over sized sweatshirt and "athletic bottoms". well,even im  confused to see my 7 medium trash bags stuffed with clothes sitting in my livingroom. I need an intervention from that guy who declutters stuff on Oprah. 

after my dentist HORROR i have been flossing like a maniac. Twice a day...sometimes three times a day. I decided to invest in healthy gums and bought the little flossers on the stick. I must say those things can reach back to places my stubby fingers didn't know existed. 

today a woman from my building took her kid out to play in our parking lot. I just about peed my pants watching the baby in the baby walker baby walk into my car. it was awesome. 

i saw the hangover last night. i told the lady at the front it would have been better with the 3-D glasses from UP. she agreed. 

today is the olson twins birthday!!!! YES. my 23 year countdown is finally done! they are so hot.especially the skinny one. 

LOL

good morning. baltimore. minneapolis. appleton. WORLD

since it's such a good morning, i thought i would sit on my porch. Just when i got comfortable, i heard the horrible sound that is Kent's screen door opening. 4 little paws and two 40 something feet stepped onto the porch, sun tanning oil in hand. I made it through the head and neck, but when he started rubbing his chest...i had to save my breakfast and run inside. 

its ok though, because ive been really worried about skin cancer and premature wrinkles lately. enough so that ive considered making a dermatologist appointment. however, after my dentist appointment, ive reconsidered any sort of health services. 

The rundown: a "hour at most" appointment turned into 2.5 hours in the chair. most of which were spent alone, with my mouth open, listening to show tunes and debating if leaving with half done dental work was safe. I have bedsores. i have sore mouth. i have solidified my theory that NOTHING GOOD EVER comes out of a dentist in a house. 

on a happier note, i still haven't found the source of the awful smell in my apartment. its not constant and it seems to radiate from next to the table and stove. i moved the stove, smelt in the back to see if perhaps a rodent got electrocuted (true malmquist story), opened all the "decorative" wine bottles, everything!--NO LUCK. if you come over and find it, you win a prize.

i was driving on 94 when I stopped at those little "one car on green" stop lights. it was red, so i stopped. when i did this mean little curly haired man started honking and waving his hands at me. Naturally I made eye contact through the mirror and mouthed " I'm following the law, jack ass". I want to make it a bumper sticker. I think it would be useful for me and Meghan O. How do you make bumper stickers? How do toasters work? Why is the sky blue? Why does the brother floor hate us? Well, when i do find out how to make one, I'll ask the men at the Shout House to put it on my car...

I am going to work at a candy factory this summer. Are you laughing out loud? 

doglover199709

today I forced myself to do a couple things: wake up before noon, reschedule my dentist appointment, leave my apartment and start a work out routine. (im kidding about the last one… the nice hmong lady at the nail place thought I was “wunning a lot! Nice big stwong legs”. See? No need.)

 

I started out on my journey in hopes of curing my boredom. I walked across the street and through a few neighborhoods to get to the local walgreens. Man. Have you ever been inside of a wallgreens? Its like a mini-mall of America…except filled with old people. No wonder my mom got all my Christmas presents from there! I left satisfied with a jumbo cross-words book and memories of the irate old man upset that they only sold cassettes in 10-packs. I gotta agree with him though “who the heck needs ten cassette tapes”. He’s going to wal-mart.

 

I brought my crosswords down the streent to Minnehaha Coffee. I was hoping the alternative boy would be there, but unfortunately it was just the old guy grilling brats. I enjoyed my “lightrail sandwich”  and ice tea while flirting with the cute asian man. I was, of course, flirting in my brain because, well, I don’t know how to flirt outside of my imagination, and because, well, I was so surprised that I thought he was cute. Ok, and because he was with his lady-friend.

 

I didn’t want to walk home after that because I was wearing a dress and my thighs were starting to rub together. If you don’t know what that feels like, congratulations. Instead I thought I’d take a rest riding the ole’ rail. Airconditioned. Cultured. Smokefree. UV Protected, filled with chairs—everything a girl needs when her thighs start to rub together.

 

I went to the mall and got harassed into buying a 2 year magazine subscription. Believe me, you don’t want to know the details. I hope the Fairview clinic is thankful for their American photo mag.

 

Tomorrow im planning on seeing Caroline or Change. Those of you with a good memory may recall that this was on my summer bucket list. If I go, it will be the first part of the bucket I can cross off. Ive been wanting to see it ever since I watched the documentary on tony Kushner about 6 years ago. If you like southern homosexual jews who have an overeating issue this is the documentary for you!

 

I also spent 25 minutes on the customer service line for redbox. You know, after I got charged 112 bucks at blockbuster I thought redbox was the safe, ethical solution to renting—wrong again. If you stole the faith like potatoes dvd right after my sister “put it in the machine” come forward now and give me $25.12. I will forgive you and spare my sisters life. (ok. Seriousaly now. $25 for a foxfaith movie? PLEASE. I hope that part of the $25 is going to focus on the family or those prolife billboards. Or kirk cameron’s street ministry).

 

Have I mentioned I like the sunbelt granola bar commercial? I replay it in my head when I go to bed about 6 times. (for now its my devotional…lots of tie ins to scripture. Just like LOST).

 

I cried today thinking about how much I am going to miss my pseudo grandparents next year. I wont have any trader joe cheetos to eat, big computers to reinact doglover199709 dances on ,  or giant tvs to watch, or couches to lay on for 24 hours straight. Oh, and I’ll miss them too.

 

Im not going to tell you what im going to do tomorrow because I want to be a mystery. I hear boys like it when girls are mysterious. Crap. I already told you what im doing. I’ll be mysterious on Wednesday….after I get my fillings.