i sorry.

that last post was mean. to make up for it i'll just say its ok to look like jay leno. i've been told that i look like phillip seymore hoffmann and lafou from beauty and beast. i'd rather look like jay than either of those.

jay leno w/ a smokey eye

blog posting is more appealing when yer buzzin' like a bee. i don't buzz often, and i hardly ever sting...but once in awhile you just drink a bottle of wine by yourself on a sat. night and get da partay started up in yer macbook.

im lonely, but not lonely enough to not drink alone.

the only people who want to hang out with me are 40 year old men.

my boss commented the other day "if i was 20 years younger and single...i just don't understand how you are not married!". I thought he was asking a question, so i gave him a 5 minute, very vulnerable answer. After the awkward silence following my story I figured out he was just being jovial and not really wondering why I was single.

that would have been awkward if it hadn't been for that one time...

the time he said something slightly off-color and apologized for being "inappropriate". to make sure he knew i was not offended i tried to console. "don't worry! i get real inappropriate when these pants come off!". it was too late to try and explain that i meant when my "work pants" came off. the damage was done.

i still can't make eye-contact.

have you seen the infomerical for the genie bra? a good name, for sure. a genie would have to grant you at least 3 desperate wishes to make your boobs look normal wearing that thing.

my ex-boyfriend is dating a girl who looks like jay leno wearing eyeliner. i am a horrible person for saying that outloud, but hey! jay leno is a very successful talk show host/car collector/man.

i sent a package to the german man who wanted to marry me. by package, i mean ESL book of american slang. by sent i mean i thought it would cost like 5 bucks. 18 bucks later i am asking myself why i did that. "to keep my options open" was the first response. but, after further thought "he's my only hope" is the correct answer.

im just kidding! a little bit.

the (8th grade) boyz (girls) next door (in fox valley christian academy's multi-purpose room)

my 8th grade drama class put on the production of "the boys next door".

you should be falling out of your seat laughing right now. if not, you don't know what the play is about.

alright, i'll tell you. it's about mentally handicaped men who live in a halfway house. in itself is not funny. but when you imagine ten, 13 year old girls playing the male leads...it becomes a whole new mockery.

i really do not understand how we were allowed to put this show on. annie, oliver, our town...all much more suitable for amateur 8th graders. we never even made our way through rehearsing the 2nd act. i remember standing backstage after intermission and wondering out loud "what happens next?". somehow, our lack of memorization carried through to spellbinding performances.

my grandmother, wo never compliments me, raved to all her friends about how good i was in my role. i played norman bulanksy. "a middle-aged retarded man who works at a doughnut shop. The doughnuts at his job have caused him to become overweight. He has a girlfriend, Sheila, a woman from another group home. He is very proud and possessive of a large ring of keys."

thanks grandma! type cast, i'm sure.

all this to say, i'm thinking about auditioning for a community theater performance. i know when the director sees i played the difficult role of norman, i'll be a shoe-in for whoever the most complex character is. crossing my fingers it can be a woman.

love suckz

i have a confession. a horrible one. one that puts me at jeopardy of loosing all my friends and secret blog admirers.

i watch the vampire diaries.

i promise,it started as a joke. my co-worker lent me the dvds in an attempt to win me over to her side. i mocked my way through the first 3 episodes. by the 4th, i found my self engrossed in the bloodsucking, unrealistic, overly dramatic, moderately poorly acted high school melodrama..

curse you, co-worker. you've created me to be the person i enjoy to ridicule.

i know i'm lame while i'm watching. i know i'm lame while i google "are vampires real?" i just can't stop being lame. it's a choice i am learning to live with. it's who i am now. i was born this way.

sexy santa greetings

right now there is an amazing promotion at a local jewelry dealer: buy an engagement ring--get a gun. you can put a whole new spin on "shotgun wedding"! bet those hicks are hittin' up the bee hive over on '76 lookin for anything with a tail feather so dey can get dat gun.

i walked in on my dad going to the bathroom a couple nights ago. it was horrible. it reminded me of the time he walked in on me after i had passed out naked in the same bathroom. i regained consciousness soon enough to warn him "no dad! you'll see my butt". didn't stop him. he was concerned for my safety.

speaking of my dad and nakedness, one of my favorite stories involves him, a homemade hot tub, below zero temperatures, and locking himself out of our house. and nakedness. the greatest story ever told (sorry jesus!).

my dad is the most interesting person i know. you would be lucky to meet him. he's wise, intelligent, awkward and very caring-- for his family and strangers alike. one time he picked up a homeless appleton man and took him and 10 year old me to BJ Clancey's. he asked clint what he needed--clint said prayer that he would get his life together. naturally, chuck asked me to pray for clint. "dear god, please help clint get his life together" has and always will be one of my best prayers.

the man who was sexually harassing me at work got fired. now what will i write about?

maybe i can write about my dad some more.

chuck has always had a heart for people in need. while visiting my sister and i in sandiego for christmas, he would wander the streets early in the morning, buying people coffees and making friends. he was very excited to find that there was a volunteer run school for homeless children right behind our house. he stopped in, got all the info he could and began planning how my sister and i could help.

burning with the fires of service, he discovered another unmarked building just across the street. with his keen eye, he noticed some seemingly homeless men venturing into it often. he was certain it was some sort of halfway house. he told us multiple times we should stop in and see if there was anything we could help with. we didn't know what it was, so we didn't go in. but chuck... chuck was determined to uncover another service opportunity.

a few days later he returned from his early morning expedition. "well girls, i dont want you goin' into that building". chuck had apparently ventured in and was greeted by two men behind safety glass decorated with sexy santas. chuck began to put some dots together and began slowly backing out. not wanting to be rude, he made sure to ask "this isn't a homeless shelter, is it?" to which the muscular and friendly man behind the counter replied "no sir, this is a gentleman's bathhouse".

we couldn't help but google the "vulcan" and we couldn't help but giggle, thinking of poor old chas and the google reviews everytime we walked by.

raisins can be sexy, too.

i can't stop thinking about two things: nutty bars & sexy costumes.

let's get nutty bars out of the way first. all i want to say is that they are the most delicious treat to boast the little debbie name. i have no idea how debbie stays so little eating these bars of heaven, but whatever her secret is, i need to figure it out. i have one, and i instantly go up a size. im not complaining. it is worth it. a perfect amalgamation of chocolate, pb and wafer cookie. merci beaucoup, little debbie. i owe you big time.

now for sexy costumes. i hate them. i think they are embarrassing. some might argue that i am jealous. maybe you think i don't like them because i eat too many nutty bars and don't look as good in a victoria's secret football player "costume". maybe i am a little self concious that i have some swiss cake rolls...but they're paired with too much self worth to lower myself to wearing some sort of sexually degrading clothing option in public and pretend like its ok because people are dressing up in costumes. i made my point 3 Halloweens ago wearing my glasses and trench coat out downtown minneapolis. a sexy bee asked me what i was supposed to be. "a lesbian" is what i told her. she was confused, but i figured as much--she also forgot where she put her pants, shirt and dignity.

now, im not saying don't dress in a sexy costume, but let's try to remember there is a difference between sexy and skanky. there are plenty of options that don't reveal your bum cheeks and lady parts. i have a sweet ass raisin costume that is just waiting for someone to give it a modest yet sexy twist.

i don't want to judge. i don't want to condemn. wear what you want, sexy girls. just know, somewhere on those crowded drunken streets of sexy bees, cops and nurses, there is a chubby girl wearing a trench coat, eating a nutty bar and making fun of you.

sparklez in yur eyez

i cut my own bangs. someone told me if your forehead is 50% of your face, you should have some. i don't know if they took hair type into consideration, because if your hair is baby fine and extra stringy, the front bang looks more like a set of harp strings.

i can't wait to move away. i don't know where i am going, but i know its away from appleton, wisconsin. house i grew up in: i love you, but i don't love you that much. thank you for taking me in and sheltering me from bills, normal social activity and the opportunity to bring men home.

my phone is being held together by a rubber band. maybe i should get a new one, but i kinda like the excuse "sorry i didn't call you back--my phone is broken."

a homeless man with one tooth told me he knew my soul was happy. i asked him why and he said it was because i had sparkles in my eyes. that's funny--that's exactly what a man said to me when he asked "can i spend the night in your arms?" . good thing i never got transition lenses.

my boss told me i was very smart. then he asked if i was a cute drunk or an annoying drunk. i didn't know how to answer, and i also didn't know if it was against the law for me to answer. i'll ask my lawyer sister.

or maybe i'll ask my scientist freak sister the science of alcohol and drunkeness and answer with a very smart answer. maybe i'll just quit and move away.

the love of money is the root of all evil. the lack of money is the root of all evil as well. i would also like to contend that student loan repayment is the trunk of all evil while bags of kettle chips and movie tickets for one are the leaves.