lastborn tween

i blame my mild attraction to snape on alan rickmans fantastic portrayal of col. brandon in the ang lee directed "sense and sensibility". even with the black middle part, i cant help but wonder what sort of thrills i would experience with his sexy bubbled snarl ringing in my ear. i'll never know for sure, but my quest to knowledge has always involved watching S&S at least 5 times a year.

im a major tween these days. my parents picked me up from work, i ran to buy the latest tween book and i saw harry potter twice. i do adult things like pay bills and drink wine in between, but there is no denying the heavy adolescent undertones in my day to day life. must be a last born thing. i blame everything on my birth-order.

i used to be obsessed with the birth-order phenomonon. i still am fulling supportive to the theory. im mostly interested in which orders marry the others. any first borns looking for a little attention seeking, checkered academic career holding, affectionate, fun loving and irresponsible last born partner? i'm sure it sounds perfect, but i admit to some flaws.

sometimes i cry myself to sleep. sometimes it's because of my tween book and other times its because i feel completely overwhelmed from feelings of underwhelming. i wonder how some people have such a clear definition of who they are and what they should do when they are only 20 something...while other last born like me feel disoriented and disconnected to everything that is a "should be". these feelings are always solved with a bag of kettle chips. and hours of introspection, meditation, mediation, prayer, reflection and intersession. and tween books.

its so hot that my face is melting off. im not talking about a makeup face, but my actual face. my nose is somewhere between michael jackson and lord voldemort. with that final tween reference, ive outstayed my welcome on my own blog. goodnight.

this one is for you, kate.

an anonymous friend told me she checks my blog every day and that i needed to write more. first of all, i am very flattered! secondly, you are a looser!

i would know a thing or two about loosers. i may or may not have just went to a movie by myself. of course, that itself does not make me a looser. it was the going an hour before hand and sitting pretzel legged behind a velvet roped waiting line. crying at the previews for a great looking horse movie. crying throughout the film. i couldn't decide if i was emotional about the story, or because the older man sitting next to me kept chortling up some sort of snot. we'll never know. all i can tell you is i give monte carlo two thumbs way up!

my 2nd toe has been numb for the past couple days. there are three possible causes: early onset of type II diabetes. dance related injury. work-out related injury. while all three seem very possible, the only one i can really do anything about is the last one. it's been a good run, 4 runs! if only you would have helped me instead of harmed me. type II will thank us both later.

time to go finish my latest tween book craze. it can't be totally tween though--the author of twilight gave it a shining review. she knows a thing or two about young adult fiction (very different from tween).

send max to space

i dont really have anything to mention in this post. i guess i should say something worthwhile...so i'll let you know i ate a snickers bar and two hershey bars tonight. NBD. i was going to go work out at the Y...but you know how things go. one chocolate leads to another...

for the next two weeks i am housesitting for a bulimic cat. im sure there will be stories to share then, until then i suggest watching the movie Space Camp for all of your entertainment needs.

nights in white chocolate (or the blog i wrote laughing)

im not in the mood to blog. im not in the mood to reach into my back pocket and pull out some mildly amusing story. im not in the mood to go to three thousand weddings by myself and sit between all my married or heavily involved friends. im also not in the mood to use my moms facebook to look at my ex-boyfriends profile. im not in the mood, but i do it just the same.

it appears im in the mood to be moody.

the moody blues is a great band. nights in white satin was such a good song they made a coldstone ice cream flavor based on it. nights in white chocolate is not as good as the song. i prefer birthday cake remix.

birthday cake remix is the flavor me and said ex-boyfriend overdosed on when we found a bunch of coupons for free like-it sized coldstone treats. i found the coupons in a dumpster. i also found that i gained about 10 pounds during that sweet season of life.

my weight fluctuates more than the GOP's presidential candidate approval rating. when youre 5 feet tall, weight fluctuation matters.

my ex-boyfriend once told me i needed to loose weight. i didn't take it kindly. he wasn't my boyfriend at the time, but he was trying to win his way back into my heart. it didn't work well in his favor. i should have told him "YOU MADE ME THIS WAY" as i shoved birthday cake remix all over my face through tears...but i went with the silent treatment instead. it lasted for about 2 minutes. i don't remember what fantastic response i had at the time, but im sure it was along the ever popular "tell me something i dont know". don't worry. he apologised later. and also, dont worry, im actually over it. i promise.

90 percent of anyone who reads this is friends with the mysterious "ex boyfriend". dont tell him i wrote this or he'll never talk to me again. oh wait, never mind....that's already the situation. omg. what if he's reading this...i bet hes not though. hes too busy studying to read blogs...or return calls, or return contact of any form. lolololololz.

i dont have many regrets in my life (that is a lie that everyone says) but i am 98% sure i will regret this blog. i hope i learn a lesson through it, or at least that it makes someone smile.

let's try and lessen the regret. i'll be serious for a moment. my ex-boyfriend is a wonderful person. one of my all time favorite human beings. he's been my best friend for more than 6 years and i hope we can be friends after all this change and weirdness passes by. hes smart and funny and talented and compassionate and even though he told me i needed to loose weight once, hes one of the nicest people in the world. im lucky to know him and to call him my ex boyfriend without any horrible things to say, or swear words to associate with his title. if you are reading this, exboyfriend, im sure your new gf is kewl. just dont take her to coldstone every other day.

and you were right, i did need to loose weight.

badest man in the whole damn town

My dad referred to me as a "he" the other day. I guess it's not that bad considering he once called my sister dennis. we don't even know a dennis. i always told myself i was the son chas never had. in fact, they took me out early expecting me to be a 12 pound boy. sorry to disappoint, chas. call me a he all you want.

one time i had a horrible headache and we didn't have any medicine in the house. chas said he found a first aid kit while cleaning in the basement. i asked how old it was. he said brand new. the medicine expired before i was born.

speaking of mistaken identities, i've been tempted to look up the man whose white mini-van i accidentally stole my freshman year. if anyone remembers the poor unfortunate mans name, let me know. i bet he's still wondering how his ride went from heritage lot to so-ho. sucker.

calling all hawties! if you're interested in being my date to aprox. 3,000 weddings, please apply via facebook message. on second thought, screw the application. the only requirement is that you do not consider a dress shirt tucked into basketball shorts "fancy clothes". i am an equal opportunity employer.

people constantly tell me how short i am. im an easy going gal, so i don't offend when you call me a munchkin, short fry or midget. but, please! it is never ok to tell someone they are shorter than danny divito. pure heartbreak. the unforgivable sin. (for the record, i am two inches taller and much more attractive. he is, however, damn good in its always sunny. to that, i will never compare.)

my parents bought a karaoke machine at a rummage sale. life is good when you find your 62 year old father singing about two counts behind to bad,bad leroy brown. he still has a long way to go, but i am very excited for when he is ready to preform lady gaga's bad romance. tickets will be sold. popcorn will be popped. biggest show to hit the valley in years. look out.

goodbye, my little cabbage.

people say they miss my blog. sorry about that. 12 hours of sleep is very important to me.

i have a job. that's all i'll say for now.

yesterday on my way to said job, i saw the single greatest thing in the world: a man jogging wearing an entirely denim outfit. everyone knows how much i like jean on jean (especially when the washes are the same) but add that to uncomfortable physical activity and you have brought jean on jean to a whole new level. i will never forget 5/12/2011. thank you denim jogger.

my beverage consumption is up by at least 50%. my adult beverage consumption is down by at least 90%, unless you are like ann malmquist and consider coffee an adult beverage. if that's the case, i'll go ahead and say i drink a butt-load of coffee.

speaking of butt-loads, what does that mean? is a butt some sort of measuring tool? shouldn't we say colon-load? i won't argue about it too much, as it is a staple in my vocab, but you'll never see me measuring out ingredients for cookies using my butt...that is for sure.

adios, ma petit chou.

bowel movement blockage

you know you're living a productive life when you spend a majority of the afternoon researching breast reduction surgery. i was interested and ok with everything until the line "your surgeon will take a photograph of your breasts". i am not that kind of girl!

i most likely shouldn't share things like that with you, but, i don't know who "you" are, so i don't care. (I do care though, if you are a practicing surgeon who would be willing to take on a "pro-bono case .)

i had a traumatic experience yesterday. my dog came in looking highly uncomfortable and unable to sit. upon further investigation i discovered a bowel movement had become trapped and hard in a jumble of hair. because of this "blockage" he was unable to produce more. there were tears, rubber gloves, emergency baths and a quick butt-hair cut. i am happy to report that after a sleepless night, the tail is wagging again.

my dad just came into our computer room to proof read my latest and greatest cover-letter. what makes this moment special? he's wearing his C-PAP machine.

i've stopped wearing deodorant. the only reason being that i can't find mine. ok, even when i know where it is, i don't use it. too much effort, not enough results. i'm all about results.