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my dad got on his hands and knees and begged the ticket taker at the movies to let him back in without his stub. he called her "your majesty". I asked him if anyone saw. "don't know, don't care." was his response. who is this man? where is the chuck I once knew? this one can stay.

holidays are funny in my family. there is always an "issue". this year it was no heat, a rash and a dental emergency. but we had blankets, soaking tubs and vicodin to help us. we were very thankful.

speaking of emergency situations, I went to the mall. this doesn't happen often and now I am reminded why. the lights. the people. the hot flashes. I finally get why people subject themselves to the public embarrassment and germs of the Chinese chair massages in the middle of the hallways. No one really wants one...but needs one after the torture that is Abercrombie perfume wafting through the vents and pubescent boys picking out bath & bodyworks for their girlfriends. yuck.

it started snowing today, coincidentally my seasonal depression made it's way into my life, too. someone get me one of them happy lights, stat!

update: I retract my recommendation to look at old acquaintance's' linkedins. apparently, it shows them that you looked. I promptly started sweating and deleted my account when AJ told me so. living on the wild side.

In memoriam/there is still time

Sister christer just discovered that our beloved and celebrated xanga site was no longer accessible. Rather than paying the $48/month fee for access, she downloaded the content and was able to preserve a national treasure. To honor days gone by and my first attempts at humorous writing, I leave with you one of my favorite pieces. Not my best work, but I fear it could be slightly prophetic.

SkooterGrrlz Wed, 06 Jul 2005 02:21:43 -04:00 to our future husbands:

my beloved, i think of often. i know it sounds crazy, but i picture your butt crack as you squat down to pick up your doughnut. I can hear your laugh resounding in my ear, like a nasty congested dog. the way your burly woodchooper fingers gently try to make their way through my snarly, unwashed hair just makes me tingle in anticipation. my pulse races and my palms sweat at just the thought of us "becomming one." Ive been with lots of guys, but there always seems to be somthing...missing. I look forward to the day when we have Movie cuddle nights, watching those romantic old black and white films. (i appologize in advance for the "accidental popcorn fight i will start) I long to eat our cereal together everymorning (i like cornflakes, how about you?) Ive waited for the guy who calls me stupid, instead of pretty, and who honestly tells me i look fat in my jeans...and i am so happy ive waited. Cause what we will experiance, will be far greater than any instant gratification i have ever known. ever. maybe i know you. maybe i dont. maybe we're friends. maybe we have yet to cross paths. maybe we're related. all i know, is that i love you, whoever you are. with all my heart, soul, and most importantly, my body. i will rejoice in the day you decide my body is a wonderland. and i too will be your alice, and you will be my wonderland. i picture what our children will look like. yes, probally nasty...but we will love them anyways. in the perfect love we have discovered between us. please wait for me. cause im waitying. waiting for you darling. wait for me to....cause i wait for you.( thanks rebecaka st. james)
all my love, your future wife.
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momzRcute

some boots were NOT meant for walking. specifically, uggs. i am still feeling the burn from an unexpected 2 mile brisk "walk" yesterday. beyond the extreme calf fatigue, i also looked like i was having an allergic reaction to something. the bright side? my physical activity is done for the month!

just kidding. i am also participating in the "turkey trot" this thanksgiving. at first i was hesitant, but then my mom told my my dog was doing it too. i'll do anything to be with my dog.

i'm not quite certain what trotting is, but i have a feeling i won't like it. maybe instead of engaging my body, i will engage my brain and draft a master plan for a dog sleigh for my dog to drag me in behind his energetic little body. that is, if my dad hasn't already.

my friend just sent me a text simply saying "omg". i knew that meant he had just seen catching fire. i asked him if i'm going to die when i see it. he said "maybe" just thought i should let someone know what has happened if i don't resurface monday afternoon. someone just make sure to shoot off a canon and raise three fingers for me.

today i had about a ten minute conversation with a man named cliff. that's my grandpa's name...but this man talked to me more than my grandpa ever has. i'm not being snarky, just truthful. anyways, cliff was a real weirdo, but i liked him. he told me if i ever get married and have children to take a train ride from redwing to st.paul. he told me where i could ballroom dance or listen to "authentic blues". i probably will never do any of those things, but i appreciated the suggestions.

talking to strangers used to mortify me. well, my dad talking to strangers would. sometimes it still makes me cringe when he does, but it's pretty cute...and it helped instill a basic understanding of polite conversation...something i unfortunately think is expired with the youth of today. but don't get me started on that.

speaking of talking to strangers, the thought of running into almost anyone from highschool while home for the holiday gives me absolute shivers up and down my spine. to celebrate certain impending doom, i decided to look at fellow classmates linkedin pages. i'm telling you now...if you ever want a good giggle...do that. do that now. i just couldn't get enough of the headshots, and resume-like info.

i started following a thing called "tiny house blog" and i am truly obsessed with the idea of making a tiny little house and living off the grid. mostly so i can subscribe to the lifestyle free of going to the doctor and driving cars...uh, but...um, mostly to be environmentally responsible! and those tiny little houses are so dang cute! little things are so cute!

my mom used to always pack my lunch full of mini things and i'd get so annoyed! mini pops, mini yogurts, mini, mini, mini. looking back, i wish i could have appreciated the cuteness of those mini products more. moms are always right when it comes to cute.

macaroni day

today i made cinnamon bun pancakes and danced like a hip hop ballerina in anticipation for their entry into my mouth. they got a standing ovation...and a quick run to the stove to make another batch and shove them down my grateful pie hole.

speaking of food, today was a macaroni day. these are the days that are gloomy and tired. where you have a headache or don't want to do any work. you want to eat macaroni and cheese and watch mister rogers. today was a macaroni day, but i didn't eat any macaroni.

instead i listened to voice mails over 2 months old, did laundry only to put it back on my floor and watch an episode of sister wives. when i found myself crying an embarassing amount during the homebirth of one of the sister wive's child, i realized my macaroni day had gone awol.

tonight, i met myself as a high schooler. it wasn't really me, but she reminded me of myself. it was both frightening and beautiful at the same time. within minutes of meeting, she was preforming a song from les mis, talking about peeing on an animal carcuss and stopping mid-sentance to dance to her "jam" (in case you were wondering, the song was wake me up, by avacci.) I really liked her, but also felt like calling my mom and saying "sorry".

i could spend a lot of time imagining what my future children could be like. a lot depends on my Y chromosome, but i'm pretty sure the child will be wild, naked and have stringy hair that doesn't get combed often. i hope they have a inch worm circus like me and take toads for walks on shoe strings...but i also hope they don't spend hours and hours talking to themselves and staying up crying about going to heaven. as long as they're dressed in the finest children's clothing, popular and are the best in their sports teams, i guess it doesn't matter.

gatekeeper.

perhaps i am late to the party, but i just found out that they are making an Independence Day II. whatttt? on a scale of 1 to a 13 year old boy in 1996, i am a starter jacket wearing, surge drinking, gameboy playing, michael jordan loving, young man! boy oh boy!

if there is one thing i love more than candy and corgis, it is jeff goldblum mid-90's. don't get me started. while i do love his antics in jurassic park, the neurosis of ID really strikes a chord in me.

i've often considered a career in mid-90's film review.the humor, the special effects, the great costuming. as a gift to you, i will now give my favorite 90's films.

1. home alone. obvz at the top of the list. the zany antics! the one liners! kevin!

2. the net. im sorry, im not sorry. the use of dial up during the climax is one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history. (and who doesn't remember the frantic need for dial up to hurry up so you can chat with your buddies!?)

3. breaking free. a lesser known classic in my book.  after a freak gymnastics injury, lydsay is sent to horse camp where rick, a troubled boy must confront his past while helping her towards her new sightless future. you can borrow my vhs.

4. camp nowhere. oh, the scandal. oh, the romance. oh, the chrisopher lloyd.

5. air force one. i still rewind the chubby lady parachuting out the back. "get off my plane!"

now, if you don't mind i'm gonna go get some dunkaroos and find some clear pepsi.

Actually, I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher.

oops. i accidentally ate 4 pieces of toast and 3 sweet and salty nut bars in the past hour. it was an accident!

kinda like when  teacher sam falls for josie geller. that was an accident. but it was supposed to happen. just like the excessive carbs.

i think the emotional eating was brought on by a very touching NOVA program about odd animal couples. it was either the old goat who befriended a blind horse or the gabon who was left out from all other other monkeys in monkeyland that did me in. dang it, lonley monkey. why you gotta be so cute?

what is it about a lonely monkey that makes me want bread? what is it about a 30 something in disguise as a high school student that makes a teacher go bananas? somethings, are just imponderable.

hooverville

my friends are trying to set me up. i am breaking down.

of course i often comment on how much i would like to be in love...but that doesn't mean i want to talk to a boy!!!!! boyz r scary and smell like mcdonalds wrappers.

to lure me towards love, my anonymous friend has done the following:
-send 2 far away pictures of potential suitor riding a giant tricycle.
-investigate his hobbies aka ju jitsu
-take screen shot of his dog (this really is the only info i need)
-"accidentally" find his salary listed online

besides the fact that i can't see his face in the far away tricycle pictures, i'd consider my friend a genuine herbert hoover. i feel like i know everything i need to know that he and i are a perfect match!

its funny to write about boys and being chubby and things like that because they're my insecurities, and somewhere in my weird brain, bringing them out into the open range and being the first one to make fun of the situations will prevent any sort of embarrassment. unfortunately, my brain must be controlled by some mean geek squad team member, as i can't seem to choose which thoughts and words stream in and out. i shouldn't make fun of myself so much, but somewhere up there there is a man named todd with a pet tarantula crossing the red wires with the green ones. there are lots of job postings for geek squad team members, so i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one with an unwanted techie living upstairs.

because i am a sport, i've crafted a master plan. i'll meet this professor man, make fun of myself and then ask him which disney character i remind him of. when he says something i don't like, i'll use it as an excuse to excuse myself from possible rejection. or i will stuff him in my trunk and steal his dog. whatever happens, happens.

this whole thing has sounded like a terribly depressing and pathetic AIM away message circa 2001. my goal is to make things equal parts funny and vulnerable...but i've never been good at math.