raisins can be sexy, too.

i can't stop thinking about two things: nutty bars & sexy costumes.

let's get nutty bars out of the way first. all i want to say is that they are the most delicious treat to boast the little debbie name. i have no idea how debbie stays so little eating these bars of heaven, but whatever her secret is, i need to figure it out. i have one, and i instantly go up a size. im not complaining. it is worth it. a perfect amalgamation of chocolate, pb and wafer cookie. merci beaucoup, little debbie. i owe you big time.

now for sexy costumes. i hate them. i think they are embarrassing. some might argue that i am jealous. maybe you think i don't like them because i eat too many nutty bars and don't look as good in a victoria's secret football player "costume". maybe i am a little self concious that i have some swiss cake rolls...but they're paired with too much self worth to lower myself to wearing some sort of sexually degrading clothing option in public and pretend like its ok because people are dressing up in costumes. i made my point 3 Halloweens ago wearing my glasses and trench coat out downtown minneapolis. a sexy bee asked me what i was supposed to be. "a lesbian" is what i told her. she was confused, but i figured as much--she also forgot where she put her pants, shirt and dignity.

now, im not saying don't dress in a sexy costume, but let's try to remember there is a difference between sexy and skanky. there are plenty of options that don't reveal your bum cheeks and lady parts. i have a sweet ass raisin costume that is just waiting for someone to give it a modest yet sexy twist.

i don't want to judge. i don't want to condemn. wear what you want, sexy girls. just know, somewhere on those crowded drunken streets of sexy bees, cops and nurses, there is a chubby girl wearing a trench coat, eating a nutty bar and making fun of you.

sparklez in yur eyez

i cut my own bangs. someone told me if your forehead is 50% of your face, you should have some. i don't know if they took hair type into consideration, because if your hair is baby fine and extra stringy, the front bang looks more like a set of harp strings.

i can't wait to move away. i don't know where i am going, but i know its away from appleton, wisconsin. house i grew up in: i love you, but i don't love you that much. thank you for taking me in and sheltering me from bills, normal social activity and the opportunity to bring men home.

my phone is being held together by a rubber band. maybe i should get a new one, but i kinda like the excuse "sorry i didn't call you back--my phone is broken."

a homeless man with one tooth told me he knew my soul was happy. i asked him why and he said it was because i had sparkles in my eyes. that's funny--that's exactly what a man said to me when he asked "can i spend the night in your arms?" . good thing i never got transition lenses.

my boss told me i was very smart. then he asked if i was a cute drunk or an annoying drunk. i didn't know how to answer, and i also didn't know if it was against the law for me to answer. i'll ask my lawyer sister.

or maybe i'll ask my scientist freak sister the science of alcohol and drunkeness and answer with a very smart answer. maybe i'll just quit and move away.

the love of money is the root of all evil. the lack of money is the root of all evil as well. i would also like to contend that student loan repayment is the trunk of all evil while bags of kettle chips and movie tickets for one are the leaves.

felicity saves the day. felicity cuts her hair. an american girl adventure.

there is no torture worse in the world than not being able to sleep because you have a rascal flat's song stuck in your head. visions of sparkly jean jackets spread to nightmares.

i have wrinkles. i guess it's time to pull out that black umbrella and cower from the sun.

my dad is 64 and i think i have just as many wrinkles as he does. genetics, man. i seem to gather all the undesirable qualities from both sides. maybe my scientist sister could explain this to me.

I tried to make coconut macaroons yesterday. they are my favorite. i made a fatal mistake and they turned into coconut macaroon sloppy runny messes. i won't lie, i cried about it. chas lied and said "i kinda like 'em". macaroons are serious business, there is no room for mistakes. i picked myself up by my bootstraps, and binged on all the sweets we had in our house to make myself feel better. i know how to handle stress and disappointment very well.

the weather is just perfect. if i could live in a universe that was perpetually this weather, i would have all the felicity in the world. well, as long as i had a good macaroon to eat, too.

folie a duex's menage a trois iz gud.

have you ever consumed an entire bottle of red wine by yourself on a monday night?

have you ever spent 50 bucks on a ticket to spend an evening with garrison keillor?

have you ever had a secret crush on a boy you had one creative writing class with in high school and spoken to only once?

have you ever written things like this down for the world to see, and then realize you shouldn't have?

have you ever not cared what people think of you so much so that you would write a blog referencing a secret crush and other embarrassing things?

have you ever been tempted to take a 36 year old foreigner's offer to pay of your student loans and move to germany?

have you ever giggled non stop because you know the fact that you write a blog makes you pretty lame?

have you ever had a hourly wage job after a private liberal arts education because you refuse to enter the corporate world?

have you ever not know what you want to do with your future beyond not entering the corporate world, but feel bad because your parents spent a pretty penny on your education, but justify it with the fact that you won't have them pay for your wedding?

you most likely have. i was just curious.

snorky

men saying strange things to me seems to be a trend these past couple months.

yesterday, my 40 year old co-worker said I was his "first official old man crush"....but don't be creeped out, it's "mostly asexual". thank you. the worst compliment i have ever received.

when i was feeling sick the other day, my dad brought my dog over and put him in my bed. then he told me when he was a little boy and home sick his mom would go to neighboring farms and find a kitty or a puppy to put in bed with him. part of me cried a little because that was the cutest thing i've ever heard, and part of me was mad because chas never told me before. can't you just imagine little runny nose chas surrounded by little critters? i can, and it's precious.

im sure the reason he didn't tell me was because of my "heart for animals". at one point in my adolescence, i "rescued" 3 cats from the streets of neenah...who then became 6 cats. one's name was snorky...because of a chronic sinus infection she seemed to have. i loved her, but i think i was the only one...except shadow, who became the father of her children.

one day i came home and they were gone. through tears i asked chas where they could be. "couldn't handle it anymore" was his stoic response. now i laugh, but i was inconsolable then. lolcats.

36 books in the old testament, each one a special part.

sometimes you have no witty things to say. sometimes you feel a little down because you live in the city of your youth and seem to have been looking for a great job for a year without success. sometimes you open your neglected bible to the strangest name and find the perfect thing.

"though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yeild no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

way to go, Habakkuk 3: 17-19.

kill the beast!

our power has been out for 4 days. thank god i have a new excuse for not showering.

today i wore my poofy vest as i sang a joni mitchell song and made a cup of tea on my camping stove. i felt rustic and natural. i also felt slightly lesbian. slightly because it was joni. if it was melissa ethridge i would have felt straight up les. come to my window.

me and waniel used to sing come to my window. we only knew those 4 words, but we would giggle about it each time.

one time an owl flew into my window and died. he layed on my quasi-porch for a good three days before uncle leroy (megon's orchid's namesake) pushed it off to its quasi-burial with a broom.

uncle leroy and uncle david used to spend some bachelor days at our house when we were younger. i would sneak into their room and get into bed with them wearing only my underwear. don't think too much about that, please. the important part of the story is that when my parents told me i couldn't do that i cried and said i wanted to "be a "barbarabum" like uncle leroy." see, it's not creepy. it's cute. right? right?

a 40 year old man told me the other day "if you were 20 years older, i'd be trying to make you smile". then he gently adjusted the collar of my shirt. let me tell you something, sir... you have some work to do to make me smile, but you perfected the act of making me shudder.

i touched waniel once and he shuddered. i was so offended. he said he was just startled. i couldn't help but sing the song from beauty and the beast. he shuddered at my paw.

i was actually wondering the other day what belle called "the beast" after his transformation...do you know? crooked nose, ugly prince would work...but it just dosn't have that special ring like beast. c'mon walt! don't leave me hangin'. I guess i should rent beauty and the beast III or whatever straight to DVD sequel i can find. they will have the answers.