holding on to a piece of frozen metal

my dog caught my illness. he works hard as my companion and how to i repay him? by giving him some sort of human/dog virus. i showed my love to him by cleaning up his vomit. it wasn't that bad at all, compared to picking up his poop on the living room floor.

he's still cute. i love watching him "casually play" around our property line, waiting for his girlfriend to come out. i think the cool, coy attitude works--she let's him sniff her butt whenever he wants. you can learn a lot about relationships from dogs.

late at night, dog by my my side, my mind comes alive with hypothetical conversations and situations. i can be up till daybreak having 12 different conversations with the same person about something that could possibly never even happen. is it positive stimulation of my imagination or the beginnings of schizophrenia? eh, whatever. same thing.

i do not recommend watching "the way we were" if you are slightly emotional about a relationship. i also do not recommend watching the oprah show babs and redford reunion either. there is no way to feel stable while crying as you watch 70 year olds hugging and talking about the way they were on set.

well, you can start sending your combo congrats/sympathy cards my way. i'd rather hear "no" than "we chose you for the position but then the girl who left decided she wanted to come back." silver lining? no unflattering suit jacket for my ample top.

looks like i'll be searching for employment on craigslist. i mostly use it for "casual encounters" so it might be a hard switch, but i'm willing to try it.

i'm ashamed, but sisterchrister had to remind me of a very special birthday today. way to go, harry houdini. to celebrate, i will go to his museum downtown and pay an absurd amount of money to do magic tricks and see how long i can hold onto a frozen piece of metal. if i sound cynical, i'm not. it really was some of the best money i've spent in the valley...next to buying every flavor of kenny's licorice at woodmans and hanging out at funset blvd.

harry houdini died from appendicitis. coincidentally, ever since my aunt pam had her appendix out when i was 10 it has been my hypocondriatic nightmare. webmd page is bookmarked and memorized.

tomorrow i'm hitchin up the ole' wagon and headin' to the big city. ma, pa and mary are stayin home to see if Doc Baker can help cure mary's blindness. maybe they'll go buy some candy sticks from nelly at the mercantile. i would be jelly, but manley promised to introduce me to his sister, miss beadle. (and this concludes "the only show i ever watched until i was 14 was little house on the prairie.")

when the snow hit the ground, i found myself in a pickle. part of me was angry, and the other part...the student representative for bethel university's green council and the haphazard president of creation restoration felt very very guilty for having such negative thoughts towards mother earth. im so sorry-- how can i prove my love to you creation? maybe i will try to organize a school wide rummage sale with profits going towards a new composter, but the night before the big event someone will take down all the posters and tell us that they do not allow for any type of "money making" sale to be held on campus. maybe i will think of something better.

improving your handicap

man, i'm on a roll with this blog. it could be due to the lack of effort it takes to not capitalize or properly punctuate anything, but regardless i'm proud of my self and my diligence in publicly shaming my family and self!

i asked an old professor to write me a recommendation letter. she said yes and that i would be "great, but scary" at the job. trying to figure out if she meant hanible lecter scary or scary spice scary is not worth the effort. either way, i'll take it as a compliment. i always thought anthony hopkins was cute.

my 401k lump sum check is floating around somewhere in the USPS system. if you find an envelope that has at least 4 different forwarding addresses for me on it, please contact me and i will offer you a hefty percentage for it's safe return. you're looking at four or five bucks my friend . in hard times, every dollar counts.

i read espn's "everything you need to know about march madness". i'm still as lost as ever. i like college basketball (as long as it's not womens) but there is just something about sir charles barkley's commentary that leaves me questioning everything i ever knew about the sport. i don't know much, but i get so distracted by his slurred and incoherent speech thinking he must be having a stroke that i can't enjoy a simple game of putting a ball in a hoop. march sadness.

i love cinderella stories. my friend meg might think i'm talking about disney. that's understandable because when a barnes and noble employee suggested she get her golf loving father the book "improving your handicap" she had to let them know "oh, no. sorry, my dad isn't disabled."

natural casing wieners

ABC wanted to compete with college basketball, so they played a movie that every demographic would enjoy. Norbit, obviously. i'd liked to check out the neilsen ratings for tonight! i would bet the fee for withdrawing my 401k early that more the viewing audience tonight + the number of people who actually saw it less than 401

super moon was tonight. i texted five people and one responded. im sure the other five were busy looking at the moon that didn't really look that different.

i got a "call back" today for an interview i had yesterday. it was exactly the same as yesterday except i had sweatier pits. (i'll blame it on the mildly attractive middle age man.)

have you ever listened to a cd and felt like every song was written because someone secretly drugged you and did futuristic tests that could determine what you feel and think? adele's 21 is that for me. i've never been so tempted to make a copy and send it to "someone special"... but that would go against everything i believe in and support everything i've made fun of for the past 10 years.

i've been doing really poorly at making fun of people lately. maybe i'm becoming nicer or maybe i've been sick and shut inside my house for the past 2 weeks.

tonight my dad made us beer brats. the beer was found under a park bench in lutz park in appleton. an old let them know they could take them because they had been there "for a few days". they were one step up from the hot dogs chuck made a few days ago. i was concerned they were the "gross, slippery kind...possibly made from actual dogs" but he scoffed and proudly whipped out the package. "i got da natural casing wieners"...as if that made them sound any more appetising. i still ate them...i'm into natural things.

a short survey

the raised red spots on my hands and arms are:

a. spider or bug bites

2. an allergic reaction to the medicine i am "borrowing" from my cousin

my future is in your hands.

1/2 off your pedicure

i do not condone sharing perscription medication of any kind ever, but thanks cousin cali for the anti-biotics. (i gave up my birkinstocks for sexy pointy shoes now).

feeling moderately better and ready to take on the world of part time employment.

i used to hate when i'd bump into someone and they ask me "what do you do". i'd always give an awkward pause while i considered telling them what i actually really do (baths, take naps with dogs, think about what kind of job i want) or some sort of professional excuse.

until about a month ago i was embarrassed by my lack of employment. now i am thankful. (warning this next sentence is going to be serious.) Because of my "unfortunate situation (s) " i have had life changing and powerful self-reflection, introspection and personal healing. (serious part is over now.) i might be poor and lacking some sort of business suit status, but i know i have all the important things. the most important being my john denver and the muppets christmas album.

am i getting smarter or is jeopardy getting easier? and have you watched college week? more like weak week! where do i sign up? i'll just slip into my boxy bethel sweatshirt and sneak my way to being a thousandaire.

while we're talking about thousands, PTL my tax refund came. i was starting to collect all my gift cards in hopes the student loan gods would accept them as a sacrifice, as i dont have a baby lamb or first born son. good thing i didn't have to...i NEED the logo sweatshirt from aeropostatle.

i just took off my toenail polish from my birthday. 12/31. those ladies did a real good job. i should have known they were legit when they offered the man with one leg 1/2 off a pedicure. (that is a true story).

i have a pocket of fluid behind my eye

i don't remember the last time i was this sick.

if i could go to the doctor, i would. that is how serious i am.

since i can't, i will do my best to help keep at least 6 homeopathic companies in business. (homeopathic=what people who don't have health insurance use). Between my sinus rinses, medicinal herbal teas and zinc therapy tabs I am looking online for birkinstock clogs and parting my hair down the middle while wearing earth friendly and i'll fitting bamboo clothing.

i have lost my appetite. this is the worst thing of all. i saw a sour gummy worm, lovingly touched it for a fleeting moment and then shuddered at the thought of chewing it.

i've taken a couple baths and while i layed completely stretched out it finally set in that i really haven't grown at all since 5th grade. downside: i'm the height of a 5th grader. upside: my baths are very comfortable. you decide the winner.

speaking of winning, charlie sheen.

i actually have no clue why those two things go together but according to every facebook status update and media news report, they do.

and while i'm on the subject of charlie could we please ask where the heck is emilo estavez? if we're talking winning it's him, not his brother we should be talking about. did you see the mighty ducks movies? i think riding the coattails of his brothers destruction could be a great career move for him. MD4!

my dog just stole all my snotty keenex and had an afternoon snack. i asked my dad why he did that. "cause of the salty flavor" was the mater of fact answer. i finally understand why that boy in 2nd grade rolled his boogers and ate them. sorry to judge. i prefer sweets.

loosing.

guess who's back? back again.

Sonia's back, tell a friend.

Seriously, tell a friend. I need a couple more.

I'm not trying to slam my cool parent friends, but there is something special about interacting with people your own age once and again. Until then, you'll find me listening to my dad read his bird book aloud and helping my mom work the printer.

If you are smart you took that last sentence and figured out I live at home. I'm not ashamed. I'm 25.

Slight delusions have begun with me and my dog. When he falls asleep in my lap I start braiding his hair and calling him my beautiful princess. I hope he can't hear me.

Watching women's college basketball (gross, i know) makes me revisit my glory dayz at Fox Valley Christian Academy. My favorite memory being when my calves started seizing and I had to be taken onto the carpeted stage and stretched in front of everyone. My second favorite memory being that one time we won a game.

I've been sick as a dog for the past week. My mother and I shared some dessert together and she infected me with her virus. We wear matching terry-cloth bathrobes and shower only sparingly (so, that part isn't so different). It hasn't been so bad except for the part where I can't breath normally without the aide of a humidifier. Now I just need to go back in time and have 7 year old Dee rub vap-o-rub on my pre-pubescent chest.

This typing has exhausted me. Don't worry, I'll be back to publicly share my life with you. Unless I get more friends.